Nurtured Heart (NH) was designed with
the “difficult” child in mind. Where other parenting methods can
be successful to varying degrees with average intensity children, the
difficult child's behavior can actually ESCALATE as a result of
standard parenting methods (yelling, warnings, bribing, lecturing,
rationalizing, negotiating, etc...)
But the BEAUTY in NH, is that ALL
children can benefit and grow from this method of parenting because
it is all about finding and celebrating the GREATNESS in every child.
Today I am summarizing the first four chapters of the book, Nurtured
Heart.
Children get stuck in viscous cycles of
behavior. They get in trouble, they feel bad about themselves, they
get in trouble some more, they feel worse about themselves....and so
on, until it is nearly impossible for that child to have a good
thought about themselves.
When you feel bad, do you make good
choices? Most people would answer no to that question. When
children feel bad about themselves, they are going to make bad
choices. They just do not know any other way, unless it is taught to
them. We as parents, need to get OURSELVES some tools that can help
us and our children stop this downward spiral so that at the end of
you day you and your child can feel GOOD about yourselves, each
other, and the world you are creating in your family.
As you read this please keep in mind
these two ideas –
1. ROME WAS NOT BUILT IN A DAY! This
transformation of yourself and your child and your family is a TIME
commitment. Not only is this going to take time, but it is a
commitment on your part to CHANGE the way you behave so that your
CHILD can make better choices about how they behave.
2. You are going to be laying a STRONG
foundation so that your parenting has something to stand on the
duration of your life as a parent (ie – yes, you can choose to spank a 2
year old, but how long REALLY can you spank that child, and when you
have to rev it up as they get older, what are you going to do then?)
I know you are going to want to know what to do and how to do it
right away, but that is not how this is going to work. Parents want
to know about consequences right away and that is not how this
program works.
The BEAUTY of this parenting style is that children
want to behave because to the REWARD they get (positive, loving
attention). They do not behave because they are AFRAID of a
consequence.
In building a house, you cannot put the
second story up before the FOUNDATION and the FIRST FLOOR are built.
What we are doing here is laying the FOUNDATION. The second floor
will come, but now is not the time. Right now, we need to understand
how OUR behavior affects our children's behavior and what we can do
to change that.
I am so happy you are here with me to
learn about this. You can do this. You know, if you are in a
situation that has just been BAD and is getting WORSE.....you have
nothing to lose. Thank you for being willing to try a new parenting
method so that your children and your family can have happy, peaceful
and loving homes.
NURTURED
HEART
The simple idea behind NH is that a
child can use his negative INTESITY in new and positive ways when
parents consistently give no energy to the negative behaviors,
endlessly acknowledge the GREATNESS in the child, and consistently
follow through when a rule is broken so the child knows the
boundaries.
There are some very important concepts
that need to be understood before we embark on this journey to help
our children see and recognize their own greatness. A huge part of
what NH is all about, is understanding how we are parents contribute
to the problem!
CONCEPT 1 – TOYS R US
Not the store....but this is about US
AS THE TOY! Parents/teachers/adults we are all by far the most
interesting toy in the world. We have all sorts of reactions to all
sorts of things. Some days (if it is an especially difficult day) we
might show our kids some REALLY exciting reactions to some of their
behavior. We work by remote control....kids can get us to react even
from another room. Children know exactly what they are doing, they
have been taught by US how they are going to get the most attention
(energy) from us. Every try to talk on the phone with a toddler in
the house? They learn early on how to get our attention and our
reactions.
Most of the time, we react with FAR
MORE EXCITEMENT when things are going wrong. As a culture, we get
amped up for all the things that go WRONG. We can tell a child NO in
50 different ways, we can talk about why they are wrong, lecture
them, criticize them, harp on what they did wrong 40 minutes ago or
just hold a grudge. It is not difficult to get worked into a frenzy
when something has gone wrong. When things are going wrong, children
get LOTS of attention, eye contact, physical contact, and LOADS of
our energy.
When something goes right.....Good
Job!.....Thank you!.....or nothing at all. The kids are playing
nicely together – COOL – I can get the laundry put away. The
children getting very little of our attention, energy and eye contact
when they are behaving or simply doing what they are supposed to do.
This is a GREAT video that shows the energy that we as human beings have to give (it is 1 minute long):
That little toddler at the end is
watching his family thinking, How can I get some of that?
Think about fireworks. No one goes to
a firework show and then leaves before the finale. Everyone wants to
see the huge explosion. Children are the same way. They want that
huge reaction from their parents and if they cant get it for being
good, then they are going to get it by being bad.
As parents, we want to switch around
the way we react to things. We want to give NO ENERGY to our
children's negative behavior and give them CRAZY energy for what they
do right.
Concept 2 – Video Game Theory
Think about video games. Kids love
video games and there is an important reason why. You are rewarded
for following the rules. When you break a rule there is a simple
consequence. After the consequence, you are right back in the game.
Video games are CONSISTENT –
PREDICTABLE – UNFLAPPABLE. No manipulation or nagging or begging
or crying is going to change the outcome of a video game. There are
NO WARNINGS! They do not LECTURE you when you die. If you die, you
die.....then you start over again.
Same thing in sports. You are rewarded
for following the rules. When you break a rule there is a simple
consequence. (A TOE over the line is still a TOE over the line!) The referee states the broken rule, what the consequence is and then after the player finishes the consequence, they are right back in the game.
Now, think about your child's life.
Are they rewarded for following the
rules? Typically, the answer to this will be no. Sometimes maybe a
“Good Job!” is thrown in there. We talked about that above.
When they break a rule is there a
simple consequence? Again, typically the answer is no. A lot of the
time children will not even know what the rules are because one day a
certain behavior is fine, but the next day, when mom is in a really
bad mood the same behavior ends up having a consequence.
Or there is a lot of WARNINGS going on. “If you do that one more time......” “I'm not going to ask you again......” “If you dont get over here right this minute........” but USUALLY there is no follow through, and the kids know it.
Or, there is a time out that is so long
the kid doesn't even remember what they are in there for. Or more
importantly, they don't even care about being in time out because
they aren't missing anything in “time in”. “TIME IN” is
going to be an important concept (it is actually THE MOST IMPORTANT
PART OF THIS!). It can be explained pretty easily. Does your child
want to spend time with you? Are you fun and enjoyable to be around?
If not, then what motivation does your child have to behave?
This is a great video that shows how important FUN is. As parents, we need to be fun so our children want to be around us. (This is 2 minutes)
After the consequence, are they right
back in the game? My guess is going to be another NO. Parents hold
grudges, they have to talk about what the child did wrong and why it
was wrong. The parents have the need to clarify for the child why
they needed to be punished and how this behavior is affecting the
whole family. PARENTS can go on and on and on....KIDS – they are
ready to be back in the game!
We must create a new reality for our
children. We need to hand out GREATER responses when challenging
behavior is NOT happening, we need to acknowledge when successful
behavior is happening and we need to say absolutely NO to the
negative battles that our children want to pull us into SO OFTEN!
This is a challenging task that we are
taking on. We are so used to trying to teach rules when they are
being broken. When children are disrespectful we try to teach them
about respect, when they are lying we teach them about honesty, when
they are rude we teach them about being polite. It is EASIER to
parent this way. They do something wrong, we tell them to stop. We
were raised this way, this is how society works. It is not NATURAL
to tell our child – You are ready to go with your backpack on.
That shows a lot of respect for our family so that we can get out the
door on time.
Another challenge that some parents
will be up against is that children who are told over and over and
over (all day long) about how naughty they are, just cannot take
compliments well. You tell them, “That was helpful” and they
will recoil because inside they KNOW they are always naughty. For
children on the defensive, you will have to come in under the radar
so help that child SEE HIS/HER OWN GREATNESS. These children
desperately need to be taught how great they are.
To do this, we must commit, 100%, to
changing our own behavior. WE AS PARENTS HAVE TO TAKE A STAND – 3
stands actually –
STAND 1 – I ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT GIVE
MY CHILD MY ENERGY FOR NEGATIVE BEHAVIOR
STAND 2 – I WILL INSTEAD, PUT ALL MY
ENERGIES INTO ACKNOWLEDGING THE GREATNESS THAT IS WITHIN MY CHILD
STAND 3 – CONSEQUENCES WILL BE
DELIVERED WITH CONSISTENCY AND UN-ENERGETICALLY. I WILL NEVER IGNORE
A BROKEN RULE.
I am sorry to leave you with all this
information on what NOT to do, without getting into what you WILL be
doing to change things. However, it is so important to really pay
attention to our own behavior and see how we can be contributing to
the problems that we assume are ALL THE KIDS FAULT!
Until I summarize Stand 1 – I simply
want you to pay attention to when you give your energy to your child.
Don't even try to change your behavior, just pay attention.
If that is too hard for you, and you
are ready to change – then this is what I recommend. When
frustration sets in, take a deep breath and walk away, you can even
lock yourself in a “Time Out!”
Tell yourself (and your child if you
want) “Nothing I say right now is going to help this situation so
I am just going to be silent.”
It is true. There is NOTHING you can
say to a child (or an adult for that matter) in moments of intense
frustration that will make it better. It is ALWAYS better to just
walk away.
I will try to get Stand 1 reviewed in a
reasonable amount of time so you aren't left hanging for too long.
Updated June 2 - I am coming to terms with the fact that I cannot do everything that I would like to do. Instead of me trying to reinvent the wheel here.....I would rather give you some good resources and then let you continue to learn about Nurtured Heart on your own if you would like.
Here is a short video to introduce you to the NHA:
9 minute video
And this the extended version:
26 minute video
And finally, below is a link to the NHA website where you can sign up to get an email once a week for 10 weeks. Every week has a different principle for you to work/focus/learn. A great resource. Way better than waiting for me to find time to review the rest of the book.
NHA in your inbox once a week...
I do not normally just quit in the middle of something I am passionate about, but with summer approaching I thought it might be a good time to pass on this information from a more reliable resource. As much as I would LOVE to talk about how life changing this method has been for us, I have to recognize that I only have so many hours in the day and sitting in front of my blog is not how I want to spend my time!!
Best of luck in your parenting journeys.
Updated June 2 - I am coming to terms with the fact that I cannot do everything that I would like to do. Instead of me trying to reinvent the wheel here.....I would rather give you some good resources and then let you continue to learn about Nurtured Heart on your own if you would like.
Here is a short video to introduce you to the NHA:
9 minute video
And this the extended version:
26 minute video
And finally, below is a link to the NHA website where you can sign up to get an email once a week for 10 weeks. Every week has a different principle for you to work/focus/learn. A great resource. Way better than waiting for me to find time to review the rest of the book.
NHA in your inbox once a week...
I do not normally just quit in the middle of something I am passionate about, but with summer approaching I thought it might be a good time to pass on this information from a more reliable resource. As much as I would LOVE to talk about how life changing this method has been for us, I have to recognize that I only have so many hours in the day and sitting in front of my blog is not how I want to spend my time!!
Best of luck in your parenting journeys.