LIFE. IS. HARD.

APRIL 27, 2020

I have offered to do the weekly inspiration for our Monday morning meeting for work.  Why in the world did I offer to do this?  It is Sunday night at 10:30 and I have changed my idea at least 5 times and am not sure I am wanting to be so vulnerable.  But, you know me.  I always take truth and vulnerability over the easy way out.  I shared this today with 150+ of my co-workers, through a shaky voice and tears. But I kept going, even when I wanted to stop.

Many let me know how deeply meaningful these words were for them and/or how desperately they needed to hear words like this today.  I am sure many of you might feel the same so I am sharing it, hoping that more who need some words like this right now, might also find comfort. 

Monday - April 27, 2020

An inspiration written on day 43 of isolation at home.  What in the world could I talk about that would be inspiring.   Even in the best of times, life is challenging. But, I am just going to come out and say it - I believe that it is the CHALLENGING stuff that shapes us, either in a good way or in a not so good way. Think about your life for a second.  Has it been smooth sailing, or a roller coaster, a day lounging on the beach or more like trying to escape a riptide? I bet that for every single one of us, life has been amazing and then awful….then you have the best year of your life until life seems just boring and mundane, and then you get caught off guard because out of left field comes another experience where you feel like you are being buried alive, followed once again by pure, unabashed joy.

THIS. IS. LIFE.  

I STRONGLY encourage you to think about one of those moments when you felt buried alive. I bet it didnt take long for you to think of one.   These moments are embedded in our cells and have created the person who we are.  I bet you felt like you would never, ever smile or laugh again.  I bet that while you were down, life kept kicking you in the stomach and in the head.  Right? And I bet there are two groups we could break into.  Those of us who found the good in that horrible situation and have grown because of it and those of us who added it to a long list of events that have prevented us from living the life we really truly want to be living.  I used to be in that 2nd group, wondering why so many bad things happened to me.  But, I want to make a case for the FREEDOM that can be found if you can shift the stories you tell yourself about your suffering.  

These moments of despair, they will either make you, or they will break you, and it is our choice - we decide. Now, some of you may not like that.  You may say that you have suffered too much, too many times,  to ever be able to recover.  I would like to lovingly and kindly tell you that I disagree. Maybe that will make you mad, or change your opinion of me.  But that is ok, because we are all on our own path and no one can choose your path for you, certainly not me. 

But, I want to believe that even now, even if you are 40 or 50 or 60 years old, you can change the way you think about the stories of your life.  You can teach yourself to find a gem of good even in the deepest, darkest places in your life.  My experience is that you only have to change one story and it can become the gateway to having the ability to change them all.  It took close to 10 years for me to see the good in my story, but once I found it, I was changed as a person.  I realized that if I could find the good in the worst suffering I had ever been through, I could find the good in anything that happened or would ever happen to me. 

Shane and I had been married for 2 years, I was 10 weeks pregnant and it was almost time for our 1st doctor's appointment.  We had to wait until we hit 10 weeks, the point past when doctors are concerned about miscarriage.  We were giddy with excitement and couldnt wait to hear the heartbeat.  I am sure you know where this is going.  The Dr. could not find a heartbeat and through ultrasound found that the amniotic sac was fully developed, but the baby had died. Most likely I would miscarry in the next few days so she just sent me home. 

I endured 3 more weeks of morning sickness, exhaustion and a growing belly waiting for my body to naturally end this doomed pregnancy. When it didnt happen I started to convince myself that maybe I had defied all odds and the baby was growing and healthy. A full 6 weeks after that horrible doctor appointment, I still had not miscarried and so we went for another ultrasound.  Even though the odds were tiny, I imagined we might see our baby inside healthy and strong. 

I was wrong. The amniotic sac was healthy and fully developed for 16 weeks - exactly on schedule - but there was no healthy baby.  My body had let me down in the worst way possible, continuing to nourish a baby that did not exist. 

I cried until I couldn't breathe....for weeks.

How would I ever trust my own body again?   The whole experience and aftermath left me battered and bruised and a shell of who I was before.   I was barely living.  Even when I got pregnant with Alli 18 months later, I had a hard time letting myself get excited.  A second miscarriage after Alli threw me deeper into a mistrust of my own body.  How could I keep doing this to myself?  Well, because life goes on and we wanted another baby. 

Luckily my 4th and last pregnancy was Jill, our now 12 year old.  I was so relieved I would never again be pregnant.  I still had deep mistrust of my own body and I still got sad over the babies I had lost.  I still used the story to justify feeling melancholy about what I had suffered in life, even with these two beautiful babies we now had.  

Then,  when Alli was 6,  I found a journal entry from my first pregnancy - from 8 years before - the one that had hurt me so deeply.  I was shocked at what I had written.  

I was not ready to lose myself to motherhood.  I didnt want to give up who I was.  Maybe Shane could stay home with the baby or maybe we could just find a good daycare.  I would not be one of those women who was “just” a mom.  I had already planned that I would go right back to work after our baby was born.  I had important goals in my life, I had things to accomplish. 

As I read this, I was crying because Alli was supposed to start first grade in the fall and I couldn't bear the thought of her being gone for half of the day.  I was “just” a mom and I was the most fulfilled I had ever been.  I had quit my job to stay home, I planned to homeschool as long as possible. I wanted as much time as possible with them in the short 18 years they would be mine.  I am a mom, that is a big part of my identity and I love that part of who I am.  But, during that 1st pregnancy, I had no intention of becoming the mother I am today. I had become exactly the person I had feared becoming and I would not change a thing.

Might I have become this person without the suffering and trauma I experienced in that first pregnancy?  I dont think so.  That loss hit me somewhere so deep, that it changed who I was forever.   This story has a different meaning for me now and that means that my life has a different meaning.   This story shifting in my mind,  allowed me to start to think about other things that had happened TO me and find a new way to think about those stories, too. 

I was never the same after finding that journal entry.  I realized that if something good had come from that deep, dark and painful experience that I could find the positive in any hardship I had been through or would go through for the rest of my life. 

So, back to today and the COVID situation we now find ourselves in.   I know that what we are living through right now is crazy and scary and very uncertain, but it is still life.  Life is still going on while you are trying to figure out what the future holds when this is over.  Life is hard.  Life is awful, and then it gets better again. And then it gets hard again.  Today, trapped in your house, your life is happening. 

There is no pause button and the stories you tell yourself about what is happening to you right now becomes the reality of your life next week, next month, next year.  

There is great suffering in our world, I would never claim that these are joyous times. But you will break your spirit if you are focusing solely on what is going WRONG right now.  

Take some time to find the gems that are happening today.  They are there. We have a poster on our front door where our family is adding the good we are finding in our days.  I won't lie, it is still only a handful of things, but the important thing is that we are looking for them and acknowledging them and we are continuing to add to that list.  I give thanks that we have a handful of good to cling to right now, some do not.  

What is the story that you will tell when this is over? 

You are writing that story, as we speak.