EMETOPHOBIA - PART 2....the darkest hour is just before dawn

If you missed Part 1 you may want to start here - 
WHY OUR FAMILY IS IN CRISIS!

Before I share the WONDERFUL changes that have been happening in just the past 10 days, I wanted to share kind of what has been going on every day for Jill and I.  The obsession with throw up has been pretty consistent for the last 2 months.  The complaints of tummy aches and horrible sleep has been going on for about 4 months.

Here is a typical Monday, our busiest day with their homeschool center classes, theater practice and Jill's play therapy.  Just for fun I thought I would start my day at midnight since I am typical woken up around then by Jill screaming....  MOMMY!!!!!!!

I go in and she says any of the following: my tummy hurts, I'm scared I'm gonna throw up....I had a bad dream I threw up...I really feel like I am gonna throw up...I'm worried I ate too much, am I gonna throw up?

I answer - No honey, you are safe, you are not going to throw up.  I kiss her, tell her you are safe, you are loved, you are wanted (3 things her chiropractor recommended we say and Jill LOVES it). She seems ok....good night, love you...

I lay down but dont bother to close my eyes cuz I just know that within a minute or two the screaming will start again...

MOMMY, I'm so scared I'm gonna throw up.

I go in and do the same thing over and over and over.  Her calling me in can go on for 5 – 10 minutes. I am never sure when it will end or what causes her to decide that she can go to sleep. Eventually she stops calling me in and I lay wide awake, totally unable to go to sleep. I know in an hour or two this will just start all over again.

I've tried the tough love approach, we just end up with her in our bedroom screaming at us, so I have resorted to this to try and let Shane get SOME sleep at night.  

And yes, we tried having Shane go in. That results in screaming and kicking that MOMMY IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN ANSWER MY QUESTIONS!!!

This goes on until 5am, then the real fun starts. Usually she is at our door crying...”My tummy REALLY hurts, it feels just like I am going to throw up!” or ”I'm afraid that I am holding my poo and that is going to make me throw up. Will it?” or “I swallowed my runny nose boogers, and now I have a tummyache, is that gonna make me throw up?” or “I'm worried I drank a lot of water and that is going to make me throw up. Will I mommy?”

We get up. We have breakfast. Jill starts in on it again, “I'm worried I ate too much orange. Is that going to make me throw up?” “Now my tummy hurts. Why does it hurt mommy? Am I going to throw up?”

You get the picture. This goes on all day long.

No matter what is going on, her questions are endless. It is just easier for me to say “No, you wont throw up.” and watch her go happily on her way.

I have tried other things. I've tried saying, "I dont know, maybe you will?" That results in a massive, screaming meltdown. “Why did you tell me that, now I am going to worry so much that I will throw up. That means I will throw up!” I've tried the nurtured heart approach that says when we ignore negative behavior it will just go away but it feels so HEARTLESS and CRUEL to ignore my child complaining of this terrible fear and tummyache.  

 So as many times as I tried to do something else, it was always too hard and traumatic, and I always go back to just telling her – You are safe. You will not throw up.  It is quick and she feels "happy".  So...let's move on in the day...

The girls have their classes at CORE. They go 3 hours, once a week. Since Jill's separation anxiety began, I have sat at CORE the entire 3 hours so that Jill can come out and get reassurance from me that she is ok. I know this seems ridiculous. Believe me, I cant believe that this is what I have to do either, but I have never regretted following my mommy gut instincts and right now those instincts tell me not to push her away so I am not.

After their classes, Alli goes off with my dad and then to Theater class. Jill will no longer go with my dad ("Mommy, Poppy did not BORN me"...is her reasoning for not staying with ANYONE except me.  She needs to stay with me because I gave birth to her, that is what her body tells her she says to me.)  Jill has to miss Monday theater class because she has play therapy. 

The rest of my day revolves around reassuring Jill that she is not going to throw up, that she doesn't need to worry that she ate some apple, and dealing with the panic attack that comes when I go on my 15 minute bike ride.

I spend a lot of time wondering how this has become my life.  By the way...this doesn't help me at all....

Noyo River - Fort Bragg

The girls have spring break from March 16^th until March 23^rd so I make a crazy decision to take the girls camping in Ft. Bragg for 8 days ALL BY MYSELF! My life is insane and the only cure that I can see is to do something equally insane (I'm learning from homeopathy – Like Heals Like).  I have never camped with the girls alone so I figure why not give it a go now, since I am out of my mind anyway!!

Big River - Mendocino

We leave on Sunday the 15^th and for the next 8 days I see my girl, my sweet Jillbug, creep back in. It starts slow. I am making her do all sorts of things that she doesn't want to do...eat “unhealthy” food, chew gum, eat ice cream, go out to eat, etc...and she is doing great. She is sleeping great because I am right next to her in the tent. She is running off and playing with Alli without having to be right next to me. She is riding her scooter in the dark all around the campground without having to see me or check in with me.

Glass Beach - Fort Bragg

She is still talking about her tummy, but I say - “Do you need to worry?” and she says NO and runs off to play. She still asks me if she will throw up but not as often. Once I make the mistake of saying “I dont know” and the result is the same as at home...massive anxiety, fretting that it means she will throw up any minute. So I say, “I dont know why I said that honey. You are safe, you are not going to throw up.” Most of the time, My sweet, happy go lucky Jillbug is back!!

Big River - Mendocino

I realize that this was a fantastic idea. Even if she goes right back into it once we get home, at least I know that my sweet girl is still in there!

And that is exactly what happens. The drive home from Ft. Bragg (4 hours) she kept complaining that her tummy hurt. She wanted to stop every 45 minutes saying she felt carsick (which, by the way, she has never been carsick in her life). Then we got home. The minute she got out of the car she clutched her tummy and started saying she REALLY felt like she was going to throw up. She was hysterical and crying. I felt like doing the same. Why oh why is this happening?

I was kind of impatient with her saying, “Jill, you just went 8 days with barely talking about your tummy at all. Why do you need to start this again?” and of course that wasnt helpful to her. I decided to just ignore her and she ended up running over to Mimi and Poppy's house. I was happy about that. At least she didnt decide she would be afraid to go to their house again.

That night was a disaster. She had a full blown panic attack screaming that she just knew she would throw up. She was holding her throat and screaming that it was coming up (now remember she has only throw up two times in her life!) she wanted me to go outside with her for some fresh air, which I refused to do, causing her more hysteria. I just started cleaning the living room. I know that seems heartless, but I  was finally starting to realize that I cannot be the one to calm her down, she needs to learn to calm herself down. I told her that I would tuck her into bed once she had calmed down and was back under her covers. It took about 5 minutes but she called to me, “I'm calm now, Mommy.”

This is how the night went – up at 12:03, 12:08, 12:17, 1:20, 5:11 and up at 6:30 for the day – for it all to start over again.

Monday night wasn't any better, except this time I decided to be calm, loving, reassuring, patient..etc as she fell asleep. It took 2 hours of me soothing her, comforting her, and reassuring her. She had 2 separate panic attacks trying to go to sleep and then once she was asleep she woke up 5 more times in the night and then was up at 4:30am and WOULD NOT go back to sleep. Yesterday, I checked my browser history for Tuesday the 23rd since that was the day we learned she might have this phobia.  Guess what I googled at  4:35am..

How to deal with a 7 year old who gets up all night long?

Is it any wonder I felt so depressed? What I was doing wasnt working, and new things I was trying werent working either. I felt like someone had airlifted me into the twilight zone and I was NEVER getting out.

Then, Tuesday March 24^th comes around and I hear of that word that would change my course of action – EMETOPHOBIA.

Last week after Jill’s therapist told me of the possible phobia, she cautioned me against researching it just in case it would cause me more anxiety. Jill would feel that from me and she doesn’t need that. She gave me a few suggestions to try with Jill – stop reassuring her, and if she brings up throw up say “Its gross, but it isnt dangerous!”

I called Shane at work and told him what the therapist had told me. We both agreed that we would leave it up to Anne to decide what our next steps would be. However,  we did laugh at her suggestions because we had been there and done that and knew that those suggestions resulted in nothing but massive meltdowns. I would find out soon enough that she was 100% correct and following that advice would be harder than I could ever have imagined.

I lasted 70 minutes without looking up emetophobia. It is just not in my nature to hide from what might be scary. I would rather face it head on and deal with it, so that is exactly what I did.

Within 30 minutes I had found enough information to start calming myself down. What an important first step that was.

I was amazed with the resources that I found online. This phobia is one of the most common phobias treated at the OCD Center in Los Angeles Really, who knew!!! I couldn’t believe it. I am actually one of those people to would rather have an answer, even if it is a scary one, than no answer at all. Now I could at least focus my energies on figuring out how to help Jill. (and yes, I have already put Jill on the wait list for the OCD Center in LA– I am hopeful that it isnt necessary, but just in case we need to go down that road I'd rather be prepared. )

I found so many wonderful sites.  I know the internet can be a scary place, but I was put at ease by what I found in those 30 minutes, and I looked forward to learning more after Jill went to bed that night.

There is a woman in British Columbia whose entire career revolves around helping people overcome this phobia. She has over a year’s waiting list for adults. Her waiting list for children is shorter. She consults for free with any therapist who has a patient with this phobia. She also has her 16 step program online for free for anyone to use. People are so generous with their time and energy. I have referred to her website many times over the last week and Jill's therapist and I looked over it together to see how she might be able to integrate some of these steps into Jill's play therapy.  This is her blog - EMETOPHOBIA HELP

But...the moment of clarity came to me from  another woman who created a blog to document her daughter’s journey from severe emetophobic to completely cured with the help of a treatment center in Miami. Her blog saved me last Tuesday night and is the reason why I was able to do what I did the next day.  THIS IS HER BLOG - EMETOPHOBIA DECONSTRUCTED

I read through her entire blog that night while Jill was having a screaming meltdown at bedtime. I just kept reading and reading and reading. The same two things that Jill's therapist had told me started to make sense as I read through this very emotional blog. STOP REASSURING and STOP AVOIDING!!  It has to be done and it takes time.  I was never staying strong enough for long enough.  I was letting Jill win because I couldn't handle her distress.  I had to try harder. This was on ME now, to help Jill overcome this.

After a terrible night sleep and an awful morning, I realized I had nothing to lose....life could not get much harder than it already was.... :

1. The reassurance had to stop.

• She eats, she worries she asks me if she will throw up and I say No honey, you wont. 
• All day long she asks, “Can you throw up with an empty tummy? How long ago did I eat? Is my food still in my tummy or being digested? Do you throw up right after you eat?” and on and on and on…..
• Then there is bedtime. She says, “This just really feels like a night that I will throw up. Am I going to throw up?” No, you wont.
• Middle of the night. “Why does my tummy hurt?” “If I hold my poo will it make me throw up?” “I just know I will throw up, it just feels like one of those night” “I have a lump in my throat, am I gonna throw up?”

2. The avoidance had to stop.
   • She says, “Am I ever gonna throw up again?” And I answer “Probably not” because the last time I said, “Yep” and then she had a massive meltdown tantrum yelling at me, “Why did you tell me that because now I am going to worry so much all the time!!!!”
   • Spencer was sick and threw up all over his car. I did everything I could to prevent her from finding out. She still found out, during their piano class as all 8 little children started talking about all the times they threw up.  She was haunted for DAYS and DAYS after that incident. 
   • She says, “Throw up is disgusting.” I say, “I am not going to talk about that with you cuz it ends up with you worrying.” I just avoid talking about "it” at all costs.

Wednesday – March 25^th, 2015

 – It is kind of fitting that today is Jill's half birthday (she is 7.5) and this is the day that our life finally starts to take a turn for the better. I talk to her in the morning about how things are going to go from now on. I found this idea on the woman's blog that I read last night and I adapted it to what I felt was appropriate for a 7 year old. Something like this:

"We have talked about many of your fears and questions over and over,  A LOT!!!.  When you ask me why your tummy hurts you know that there are certain things I ask you.  Are you hungry, thirsty, do you need to go to the bathroom, are you worrying...or maybe it is something else.  I have answered these questions so many times with you that I am going to start asking you to use your "detective" thinking when you ask me a question about your tummy, or food you eat, or other things that you are worried about.  I know that you will really want me to answer these questions for you because I have for so long, but it is important that you trust yourself and can answer these questions without me.  You might get really, really mad at me, but I am still not going to answer you.  I want you to know that I love you so much, and even if I REALLY want to answer you, I am not going to.  It is time for you to start to trust your own answers.  

Let's practice...ask me "Mommy, why does my tummy hurt?"  Jill says, "Why does my tummy hurt?"  I say, "Jill, you are going to have to use your detective thinking to answer that question yourself."  

As the days went by, I would also  say it in a few different ways such as, "Do you think you can remember the last few times you asked that question, what the answer was?"

"I'm not going to answer that, but I know that you can use all your thinking skills to come up with an answer you like."

As you can imagine Wednesday morning was an absolute nightmare. She screamed and cried and tried to break things for almost 2 hours. This was the first instance that Alli was here for the entire thing. We had an agreement with my parents that Alli could just go to my parents anytime that Jill started in on one of her screaming meltdowns. Today is started at 6:40am so I wasnt going to let Alli go wake my parents up. Jill was thrashing at me to answer her questions, she was literally out of her mind. She was trying to break things in the kitchen, she was rolling around on the ground out of control and screaming –

ANSWER ME!!!!!!!!!

I just got down on the ground with her and whispered in her ear - “Honey, I love you so much. Even when you are on the ground kicking and screaming and trying to break things, remember that I still love you so so much, but I will not answer you.” She actually laid there in my arms as I said this to her. Then she whispered, “I love you, too.” Then she went RIGHT back into her tantrum.

When she started kicking me, Alli and I went up into her room and locked the door. It was 7:15.

Jill stood at the door for 10 minutes screaming at the top of her lungs “WHY WONT YOU ANSWER ME? YOU ARE SO MEAN. JUST TELL ME ONE TIME I'M OK!!!!”

Jill went over to my parents and knocked on their back door. She had calmed herself down enough that my dad didn't think anything of her being over there so early.  She calmly asked him, “Can you come over for a minute?” so of course my dad did. But as she walked up the back deck she started getting out of control again and asked Poppy, “Can you please tell mommy to come down? She is locked in Alli's room.” and my BRILLIANT daddy looked at her sadly and said, “Jill, sweetie, I cannot get involved.” and he went home. Jill proceeded to kick and hit and throw things at the door until she figured out how to unlock it.

Alli and I came down and I said, “If you can stay calm I will read to both of you on the couch.” She said, “Ok.....but can you answer me.....WHY DOES MY TUMMY HURT?”

I said - “Honey, you are going to have to use your detective thinking to answer that yourself.” Which threw her right back into her tailspin, grabbing my clothes, kicking the stove and trying to break things in the kitchen. I said, “When you have calmed down Alli and I will come out.” and we locked ourselves in my room.

Around 8:30 this ended. I do not know what finally calmed her down, but it wasnt me. I came out of the room with all my Nurtured Heart parenting glory saying “Jill, you worked so hard and got yourself so calmed down. You wanted me to answer you and I didnt, but you were still able to calm yourself down. Dont you feel so proud of yourself!!” She was glowing. It was an instant change in her posture and attitude.

I wish I could say that I felt the same, but I was beat down. 2 hours of enduring being screamed at kicked and punched, listening to my child who sounds like she has been possessed my demons and remaining calm the whole time. It was almost too much for me to handle. I didnt know if I was capable of following through with this. But I was holding it together for her. I had to keep trying because it was clear that what we had been doing wasn't helping her at all.

Jill asked if she could go say sorry to Mimi for waking her up and tell Poppy she was sorry she made him come over. She gave me a big hug and told me she was sorry for what she did and then she left. I was standing in the kitchen. Alli was sitting at our table right next to me. Jill walked through the gate to my parents and I broke down sobbing. Alli came to me immediately and with the skill of a counselor consoled me - “Mommy, this is hard for everybody. You did such a good job staying calm. You cry as much as you need to.” and she held me like I was a small child as I sobbed in her arms. After a few minutes, Alli said, “I'm gonna go see Mimi so you can cry as much as you want. I love you Mommy, that was so hard but you did it.”

then, I had the 30 minute cry that I had needed to have for the last month, but never felt safe to do. With both girls gone I just cried and cried and cried and cried......I got all those healing tears out.

The week that followed has been hard, but never as hard as that first morning. She still didnt want me going on my bike ride, she still asked me about her tummy hurting and worried about food she ate and all the stuff she had been doing for 2 months, but my response was always the same so she started asking less and less.

When she says, “I dont want to throw up” I can say – “No one does, but throwing up isnt dangerous. It is unpleasant, but it isnt going to hurt you. “ Saying this to her does not result in a massive meltdown of paranoia.

She can eat without having to ask me if she ate too much or worry that she ate too much or any of the other things she was doing. (most of the time....we are still working on this one!)

She has ran off to play by herself at the park. She went to a neighbors how to help her garden and swim in her pool for over an hour without me there. She walked over a mile with Poppy by herself.

She TRIED to go to the store with Shane two times. Both times she couldn't follow through, but the fact that she was even willing to give it a shot is a HUGE improvement.

Jill and I have had a lot of conversations about how it feels to be nervous, afraid, scared, excited, hungry, thirsty, etc....there are so many feelings that we have in our bodies and if we felt all of them were a pre-curser to throwing up, we would be in a state of panic a lot of the time too. Part of what I have done with her in the last 10 days is to talk about how she is afraid of her body, but her body is an amazing, wonderful and powerful body that she just needs to understand better.

I told her she is like a caterpillar who has wrapped herself up in a cocoon and when she comes out, she is afraid of her wings. She needs to learn to not be afraid of those wings so that she can learn how to fly. She loves this analogy. We have always called her Jillbug and I used the lady bug to be the bug to represent her. After we get through this phase in her life, I will forever think of her as my butterfly, with her big and beautiful wings that help her fly through her life. 

 Now,

She still gets mad at me when I wont answer her. Just today she said, “I'm worried I ate when I wasnt hungry.” and my response was, “I am not going to talk about that with you, but I will talk about something else!” She yelled at me, “I'm getting sick of you ignoring me. You are MEAN!” But....she went on with her day. She is actually at a neighbors house right now, alone. She said to me when she left, “I love you mommy. I'm sorry I was yelling at you. I'm trying to do better."

Bedtime continued to be tough during the week, but was slowly improving. Each night her panic lessened more and she was able to calm herself down easier and faster so she never got as worked up. Amazingly, every night since last Wednesday she has only woken up once each night. However, what has happened the last two nights has blown me away.

Every night I put Jill to bed and set a timer for 2 minutes. When the timer goes off I go in and snuggle up to her, tell her “You are safe, you are loved, you are wanted.” And then leave again. I do this 3 times and she typically tries to engage me in talking about her tummy hurting or worrying she is going to throw up. I no longer engage with her, but she tries, every night. Two nights ago, exactly one week after her 2 hour tantrum, I was waiting outside her door for the timer to go off and I could hear her talking, but not what she was saying. I thought maybe she was trying to talk herself out of a panic attack. 

The timer went off and I walked in her room. She said, “So, Mommy.....2 + 2 + 2 is 6. I know that because.....” and then proceeded to tell me all the mental math she had been doing in her head. I did our routine and left without her mentioning her tummy or throw up at all. I wanted to jump for joy. Was this really my Jill, was she back??? She continued to do mental math while I was gone, although the second time I went in she said, “I am a teeny tiny bit afraid I might throw up.....BUT I know I wont!!” then last night, our 6 minutes went by and she did not mention her tummy hurting or being afraid of throwing up! That is the first time in 4 months she hasnt had a tummy ache at bedtime. 

 Tonight, again, she did not say a word about throw up.  She did say one time very quietly, that she was worried cuz she ate fruit (I bought $40 worth of fruit at Trader Joe's and I am working to get her to eat fruit without having to be afraid.)  but that was it...no drama.

I am sure we still have a lot of work ahead of us, but the changes in this past week have been HUGE!!!! She still doesnt want to be away from me too much. She will go to my parents house as long as I am home. She will go to neighbor's houses, as long as I am home. And for now, I am sticking with my gut and letting her have the safety of me around. 

She is working so hard to overcome what has had such a huge grip on her and I am gonna support this girl in any way that I can. And the beauty of it is, I can. I can be here for her as long as she needs me and she will come through this all the stronger for all the support and love she is getting from her family and each and every one of you who cares and loves her. Thank you for your support during this incredibly challenging time. It means so much to all of us.

click here to keep reading : UPDATED FOR PART 3 - DONT LET A FEAR BECOME A PHOBIA