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| Jill's first selfie |
If you have not read the two previous posts regarding the
anxiety and fear that Jill has been experiencing, you might want to start at
Part 1. - EMETOPHOBIA
I have been working on an update of our life off and on for
the last 5 weeks. Every time I start, it
just seems too overwhelming to try and write about and I just want to move on
without finishing the story (especially since I still do not know the ending to
this story). The last 6 weeks have been
a roller coaster of emotions for us.
Jill was having REALLY, REALLY great days, but then her nights were
terrible. Then she would have some good
nights, but her daytime behavior would take a dive. Then she started having a TERRIBLE time
falling asleep at night but was sleeping all night long which was fantastic,
but that was followed by a hard time falling asleep and her waking up terrified
in the middle of the night. I barely
know which way is up anymore. Luckily,
her daytime behavior has really leveled out so now we are mostly just
struggling with night....but it is a HUGE struggle.
Then, as if we are not struggling enough, Hazel died. Our
I stopped eating for an entire week. I missed her so badly that when I would feel
hungry I would tell myself, “I want to be in pain...I just want to be in pain.”
She
was my constant companion all day long.
She was my solace when life got to be too much (especially during the
last few months). I could always take a
few minutes in the midst of the chaos my life had become and get some Hazel
love. I finally went to see our
homeopath and she helped me to move on in a more healthy and productive way. I will never get over losing her, but I can
think of her and talk about her without crying now, and I am eating normal again.
If you could believe it, our plumbing backed up the day Hazel
died so that our kitchen and laundry would not drain at all. And then, literally like 3 days later, our house became infested with mice
or rats...we aren’t sure. It has taken
about 2 weeks and we just now think we got them all.
What might be thrown at us next I do not
know....but we are going through some serious life lessons. I believe that we are presented with the
things we need in life to make us better people. I know that I have grown into a better parent
through these last few months. I always try to
find the lesson in everything that is put into my path. Sometimes it is hard, but the lesson is
always there as long as we are willing to quiet our minds and look for it.
When I have spent time sitting in meditation, or writing in my journal, or just
spend a few quiet moments thinking about why we are going through this current situation, I have come up
with a few different ideas.
First, I realized that Jill was too compliant of a
child. She dealt with getting the short
end of the stick all the time, without complaint. Alli required so much more attention in the last 4 years with her vision problems
and being behind in school, etc. Jill
was always more than happy to entertain herself while I focused solely on
Alli. This needed to STOP!
Second, I realized that I had become lazy in my parenting
style. When the girls were young I
prided myself on the fact that I NEVER, EVER yelled at them. I could be stern and I could show them that I
was angry, but I would never yell or talk in a rude way to them. But, that takes a lot of effort and energy on
my part and I had gotten lazy.
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| On the PCT near our home. The last hike with Hazel, two weeks before she passed on... |
Since
they were not tiny children anymore I didn’t think it was so bad to yell at
them if I needed to (wanted to is more like it), or get frustrated and say
nasty things to them. Now, keep in mind
that a nasty comment from me is probably nowhere near as bad as some parents
talk to their children, but to me my comments were leaving me feeling guilty
and unkind.
I had thought to myself more
than once, “Jen, you better stop this soon or you are going to cause long term
damage these sweet girls.” Even though I
knew I wanted to go back to my old ways, I wasn’t putting in the effort to make
it happen. It was easier to just REACT
to situations, instead of taking time to RESPOND to my childrens' needs.
My go to resource for the type of parent I want to be is
HANDS FREE MAMA – her blog and her book bring me peace and calm when I need it
most. I bought a bracelet from her
website that says “I CHOOSE LOVE” to
remind me at all times that LOVE should be my guiding light. Please, if you do not already read her blog,
check it out now and sign up for her email updates. Her posts are like calm, loving support and
guidance so desperately needed by worn out parents. HANDS FREE MAMA
Third, I have learned how to help friends and family through
a crisis. I have had a hard time staying in touch with friends because of how overwhelmed I have felt. Plus, I didnt feel like anyone really wanted to hear from me anyway since I was so depressed.
I am lucky to have a few blessed souls (and you know who you are....) who have stuck with me through this, good and bad. Regularly sending me emails and texts or
calling and asking how things are going with Jill and if there is anything I need. Offering to give Alli some much needed time
and attention. I had two friends who
came to see me after Hazel died. I am
not always good at asking for help, and I appreciate SO MUCH that these friends didn’t wait
for me to ask for help or company…they just came. I want to be like that.
Fourth, after Hazel died, I spent a lot of time wondering if
I gave her enough love and attention. Especially
in the last few months when my life was so out of control. Luckily, I really think I did. We all gave her lots of love and attention.
But, losing her so suddenly and with no warning at all, made me realize that
the old cliché is just so true:
LIFE IS TOO SHORT
I am now super aware of how busy lives can get and how a lot
of people spend a lot of time doing really unimportant things. I don’t want to be one of those people. I want my children to know they are wanted
and loved. I want Shane to know he is
valued and appreciated. I want my
friends to know how important they are to me.
At the end of each day, I just
want to know that I have lived that day to its FULLEST.
And lastly, I feel that as crazy as this may sound, I am
grateful for what we have experienced (well, not losing Hazel). What we have been living through (and
continue to live through right now) is making our family stronger. All 4 of us are learning how to deal with
emotions, fears, and anxieties in a healthy way. My children are 7.5 and 10 and do
meditation and deep breathing every night. We repeat positive affirmations and
we build each other up regarding things that are challenging in our lives. We talk about emotions and feelings and how
to deal with situations that make us nervous or scared.
And most important, we are learning to trust
and believe in ourselves, knowing that everything we need can be found inside ourselves, if we just quiet our minds and listen.
I told Jill that I was AT LEAST 28 years old before I could
handle stress, anger, anxiety or really any type of strong emotion, in a
healthy way. She is doing better at 7
years old than a lot of adults I know.
But, I digress.
The reason I wanted to update the blog is because I wanted to
share some of the great improvements Jill has made, share some of the real
struggles we are still having and also share some tips about what has helped
during this challenging time. Believe it
or not, I had 4 of my FRIENDS (seriously, people I know and am in touch with)
contact me saying that their child was doing either this exact thing (terrified
of throwing up) or something similar.
This leads me to imagine that there are many others out there dealing
with similar issues, but they just don’t want to talk about it. I would like to share the things that have worked
for us, so that others in need of this information might be able to find it, without having
to share their painful struggles with others if they are not ready or willing.
I titled this post “Don’t let a fear turn into a phobia”
because I think that is my biggest take away from what we have
experienced. I do not believe – ANYMORE
- that Jill has this phobia, HOWEVER, I
do have full faith that had she continued on the path she was on and we
continued on the path we were on (reassuring her, avoiding the topic, etc...)
or given into some of her fears (not eating out, avoiding unhealthy food,
etc...) that this could have EASILY turned into a phobia.
Here is the long LONG LONG story of how we brought Jill back
from the brink of a near disaster.
There is one thing I want to mention first. This story is very different from what
happened with Alli and her vision problems.
In that situation, although I was scared, I did allow time for the
Vision Therapy to be the only thing we changed.
I did not hire a reading tutor or have her in special classes or change
anything else I was doing with her. At
the end of the 6 months when Alli had jumped 3 reading levels, I knew whole
heartily that it was the Vision therapy that worked. No doubt about it.
With what has been going on with Jill, I was much more
afraid. I did not allow time for one
method to sink in to see if it was going to work. We tried everything under the sun at pretty
much the same time so I really don’t have a clear idea of what might be THE
answer to what has helped her the most.
Literally, if you don’t believe me, this is the list of what we have
done so far, that I can remember (and many of them, continue to be used today):
·
Nurtured Heart Parenting Methods
·
5 Love Languages of Children
·
Reading The Gisell Series Books – Your 7 yearold and Your 8 year old – these books are so amazing at putting a parent’s mind
at ease regarding what is “normal” behavior for the different age ranges. The first 4 pages calmed me down back in
February when her tummy issues were getting out of control.
·
Homeopathy
o
We’ve tried 3 different remedies…still searching
for the right one
o
Cell salts
·
Play Therapy
o
Understanding how the brain works
o
Learning how to respond to worry
o
Creating a plan of attack when FEAR takes a grip
o
Figuring out how to establish a reward system
and work through fears
·
Acupuncture
o
B12 supplementing
o
Chinese Tinctures
o
Chinese Herbs
·
Hypnosis
·
Meditations
o
Deep Breathing
o
Progressive Relaxation
o
Positive Affirmations
o
Calm and Peaceful Thinking
o
Law of Attraction
o
What you focus on you get more of. Focus on the good.
·
Chiropractic
o
Proper body alignment to assist in proper body
functioning
o
Muscle testing for emotional support
o
Raising Baby chicks for 5 weeks (Jill and Alli
loved this one)
·
Energy/Angel Healer
o
Crystals and Healing Rocks
o
Karma Cleansing
o
Past Life Healing
·
Emotional Freedom Technique (For me, I was
unable to imagine this situation ever being resolved, Jen Gaynor-Yaker did
wonders at helping me break this negative thinking)
As you can see…it is nearly impossible to know what the most
helpful pieces of this puzzle have been.
I think everything has been helpful in different ways. Homeopathy has opened my eyes to an entirely
new way to treat MANY, MANY health ailments naturally. Play therapy has given Jill (and all of us)
many skills
that she will use for the REST OF HER LIFE so that she will be able
to deal with fears and anxieties in a healthy way and not have to live with
irrational fears or worries that threaten to take over her life. Acupuncture (and Chiropractic care) and all
the vitamins, tinctures and herbs will continue to be a main source of
alternative health care for all of us.
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| Jill getting acupunctured!! |
If I had to pick only ONE thing that I feel have helped the
most, I would say – FIRST and WITHOUT A DOUBT – it would be the Nurtured Heart
Approach.
Deep in my heart, I feel pretty strongly that I need to give
MYSELF and SHANE kudos for how we have handled the last 3 months. We could have resorted to yelling and
screaming at Jill. We could have told her
that we didn’t care if she wanted me to stay with her, I was leaving
anyway. I could have just spent a few
nights at my parent’s house so that I could get a full night sleep…
But…
We did none of these things. We have been patient and calm and loving and I have stayed with her everywhere and
anywhere she needed me (except for my 15 minute bike rides…she had to practice
being away from me a little!) When I had to be tough, I gave her the words I
wanted her to have in her heart to get her through. I would say things like,
“Jill, I know you are
going to want me to answer your questions, and even though I LOVE YOU SO MUCH,
I am not going to answer you because you must learn to trust and believe in
yourself.”
The hardest part of the last three months was actually talked about in the last post – PART 2 – if you want to read
it. When I stopped answering all her
questions, stopped reassuring her that she was ok and would not throw up 35
times a day, and stopped avoiding talk about throw up, things changed very
quickly.
Prior to this, I have always
believed that ignoring behavior that you do not want is always the right
thing. But, actually following through
on this one was incredibly difficult because she was SO afraid and her tummy
hurt SO much. I had a really difficult
time finally getting strong enough to where I could actually ignore her without
feeling like the worst mom on the planet.
Then, after only 3 days we started seeing the HUGE changes taking place,
that made it easier to continue to ignore any behavior that she was using to
try to get me to engage with her. I
would say that these steps alone accounted for at least 70% of the improvement
that we saw in Jill during the first two weeks after implementing them.
I dont know if a lot of you knew this, but I started this
“ignoring” tactic on March 25th and then March 28th Shane
and Alli left for 10 days to spend Spring Break in Olympia with his
family.
We were all supposed to go, but
I just couldn’t fathom taking Jill up there with these hour long tantrums and
her terrible sleep, etc. It would have
been an absolute nightmare for me (and every else involved!) So instead, I
decided to take advantage of having nearly 10 days of Jill all to myself to
work through as many of her fears and anxieties as I possibly could.
NETFLIX THERAPY
Mornings were hard for us because that was when Jill would
experience lots of anxieties about how her tummy felt when she woke up, so she
would eat and then worry because of whatever she ate or worry that she ate too
much or worry that she would hold her poo and that would make her throw up,
etc...you remember all this, right?
Now,
there was no Alli there to at least give Jill a little distraction so I did the
next best thing (and those of you who know me well will probably NOT BELIEVE
THIS!!!) She could get up at whatever
time – usually 5:15 or 5:30 – and I would let her watch Netflix for an
hour. Then she would eat and IMMEDIATELY
go watch more netflix......I was trying to distract her from the reflex she was
having to just automatically snap into worry mode. It worked!!
Most mornings she was happily distracted until close to 10am!!
SKATE PARK THERAPY
Now, even I couldn’t stomach (pun intended) letting her watch
more than 2 hours of Netflix every morning, so pretty soon I also started what
I called “Skate Park Therapy”. We had
taken the girls a few times on vacation to skate parks and they loved to ride
their scooters up and down the hills and in the bowls, etc...but we had never
gone to the one in Chico. It opens up at 8am and there is hardly ever anyone
there at that time so Jill and I both had our scooters and our helmets and
spent over an hour playing at the skate park together.
Now I will tell you why this is significant. Jill loved riding down this one really steep
hill, but I was TERRIFIED to go down it.
I could just picture myself breaking my arm or leg. I also noticed that
my stomach hurt when I was standing at the top and THINKING
I called her over and told her, “I am really afraid of going down this hill. When I think about it my tummy hurts a lot. But, I know that I am nervous and scared. It doesn’t mean I am going to throw up, it just means my body is feeling afraid. But, you know what I am going to do.....I'm gonna go down this hill and face my fear.”
And that is exactly what I did. I didn’t fall, thank goodness, but it wasn't
graceful either. And when I got to the
bottom I said to Jill, “I still feel afraid so I'm gonna do it again.” and that
is what I did, probably 10 more times.
After each time Jill would ask, “Did your tummy still hurt” and I would
answer “Yep, I better do it again, until I am not afraid anymore.”
Finally, I got to where I could go straight
to the hill and down it without feeling nervous at all. And we had a new saying for whenever Jill
felt nervous or scared about something, “I'm gonna face my fear until it isn’t
a fear anymore”
Now, you can take this for whatever you want, but I will tell
you what it did for me. I was actually
able to step into Jill's shoes and experience what it felt like for her to be
afraid of me going away. For me, prior
to the skate park incident, it was hard to empathize with her about how afraid
she was of me leaving.
I mean,
seriously, this kid had NEVER had a problem going away from me and now all the
sudden I could barely go to the bathroom without her needing to be with me. I
had been patient and was allowing her to work slowly toward her feeling more
safe away from me, but I didn't ever think about how she really FELT when I was
leaving. Now I knew.
As adults, I think we tend to forget how hard
some things are for children, or to just empathize with what they must learn as
they get older. Stopping for a moment
and realizing that what Jill was experiencing was real and very difficult
helped me to have even more patience for her working through this difficult
time in her life.
After this experience, when I would leave for my 15 minute
bike ride, I would say, “I know how you feel.
Your tummy feels all knotted up and you are scared. But it is important to face our fears and to
do that we need to practice. I know you
can do it.” Then I would leave. She
would still be distraught, but not nearly as long or as dramatic as she had
been before.
MEDITATION/DEEP BREATHING/ POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS
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| Hangs on her wall where she can shine her flashlight on it at night if she needs to calm herself down. |
Another thing I started with Jill while Shane and Alli were
gone, was to practice deep belly breathing, progressive relaxation techniques
(tensing and releasing different muscle groups) and reading her a
meditation/visualization every night before bed. I signed up for 5 free at this website.
She (and I) really loved this. It was a great way to end the day with a
positive, uplifting, encouraging meditation. When Alli got back after Easter, I started reading them to her every night also. They were about having courage, believing in yourself, staying strong
during tough times...exactly the things that we were working on with Jill in
life.
I loved the written meditations so
much that I went ahead and purchased all 30 of her audio meditations. The girls and I listen to one every night
before bed. They are truly amazing.
ROLE PLAY
I think I had started to get frustrated with Jill and her
still asking if things would make her throw up.
Even though I was ignoring her, she would still try to engage me in
talking about it. One day, early on
during this initial “ignoring” tactic, I made the connection that “Throw up”
was a big bully. I told Jill – “We are
going to role play what a bully does to its victim.”
She looked at me like I was crazy, but I told her I would be
the bully and she would be the innocent kid.
I started berating her and saying mean things that kids say and she
naturally started curling into a ball and whimpering. I just got meaner and
louder and she got more and more scared.
Afterward, we talked about how she felt powerless and scared
when I was bullying her. Then I told her
we were going to do it again, but this time she was going to stick up for
herself. She had to stand up to the mean
bully. So when I taunted her she said,
“Go AWAY! I dont need to listen to
you. I'm not afraid of you!” and other
such things.
What I then explained to her was that her fear of throwing up
was a bully who lived in her head and she needed to stand up to it. I told her that the way she reacted towards
me the FIRST time was what she has been doing when she feels afraid and the way
she reacted the SECOND time was exactly what she needed to tell herself when
she started to be afraid. YOU DONT SCARE
ME!! I DONT HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU! After this, whenever she would tell me she
had a worry I would say, “Be stronger than the bully. I know you can do it.”
PLAY THERAPY – F.E.A.R PLAN
At this time, she was also learning a TON during her play
therapy sessions. I would have to say
that her play therapy sessions, became more of a REAL therapy session. There was not much play happening. Jill and I would sit with Anne and she would
teach Jill about all sorts of interesting ideas to help her to understand what
anxiety and worry is all about and how it works in our body and in our
brain. Anne and I had talked together
about how therapy for Jill seemed like it needed to happen backwards....she
needed to learn some tools FIRST to help her cope better in her day to day
life....THEN the play could be put back in as a way for her to work through her
fears.
F = FEAR
One great thing she learned was how the amygdala works. Our amygdala is our “worry brain”. It makes
us think irrationally, it is our fight and flight response. Our frontal lobe is the rational, calming
part of our brain, our “thinking cap”.
Anne showed Jill how to hold her hand with her thumb pulled in and
fingers up as a way to show the worry brain being in charge. Saying things like, “I ate too much fruit and now I will
throw up!” or “Mommy's going on a bike ride and I might throw up!” Then she showed her how to pull her fingers over the thumb as a way to calm
E
= EXPECTATIONS
This involved talking about what she expected to happen when
she threw up. Was she going to die? Was she going to be embarrassed? What exactly was the problem? So during this week we had to talk about the
answer to this question that she had been asking for months?
AM I GOING TO THROW UP??
This is exactly what I said – every day for a week.
“If
you felt like you would throw up, we would go into the bathroom, or get a
bucket or go outside, whatever you wanted.
Then I would hold your hair back and comfort you. You might feel very afraid or unsure of what
would happen, but I would just keep telling you that it was ok and you were
safe. Throw up is gross and can feel
scary, but it is not dangerous. After
you threw up, you would probably feel better, although you might feel tired
that day. We would brush your teeth and
wash your face, or you could take a bath if you wanted. Then maybe I would read to you or you could
watch a movie. Then the next day you
would probably feel all better.”
The first day was absolutely terrible. She literally felt that if we talked about
throw up, it would make her throw up. So
when I said we had to talk about what would happen if she threw up she
literally ran away crying, “I don’t want to throw up, I don’t want to throw
up!!!” I had to call her back in and do
some deep breathing to calm her down but we got through it, barely. She cried
and kept saying she didn’t want to talk about it. She kept asking if she really
was going to throw up cuz she felt like she would. She kept asking why her tummy hurt.
Well, we did this every single day for two weeks I think and
by the third day she would be calm through the entire thing. By the fifth day she would repeat the entire
thing herself and by the last day she was saying, “Mommy, we haven’t talked
about throw up today, can we do it now?”
A
= ACTION
Next, Jill learned about what ACTION she could take to calm
her fears. We already had this one down
pretty good because we had been doing the deep breathing and meditations at
home consistently so Jill knew that anytime she got nervous she could take a
deep belly breath and make sure to relax all the muscles in her tummy. I also like to remind her of one of the ideas
from a meditaion. Our thougths are like
seeds in a garden, we can water the flowers or we can water the weeds. If Jill was stuck in a cycle of negative
thinking I could say, “Jill, let’s find some flowers to water.” And try to come
up with some pleasant thoughts she could focus on.
R
= REWARDS
This is part of the program that gives the person a reward
for doing the right thing and not letting a fear stop them from doing something
they want to do. For an adult, a reward
could be just realizing that life is so much nicer when you aren’t afraid of so
many things. For Jill, we were already
doing the sticker chart system where she could earn lego sets by filling her
chart with stickers earned by doing things she was afraid of (me going on my
bike ride, her going somewhere without me, having a calm bedtime, etc…)
PREVENTING AVOIDANCE BEHAVIORS
Another important factor in helping to stop the development
of a phobia, is to not allow avoidance.
So, that is pretty easy if you are afraid of dogs....you need some
exposure to dogs. Being afraid of
throwing up is much more difficult because it just doesnt happen much (at least
in this family). However, there are
other things that are avoided and for Jill that was stuff that she ASSUMES will
cause her to throw up: unhealthy food,
eating out, fruit, eating with her fingers, eating food that falls on the
counter, etc....So, I just started to notice what it was that she was avoiding
and then “forced” her to do them.
RESTAURANTS
Eating out was easy.
The week that Shane and Alli were gone, we ate out all three meals on
the first day. She tried to not order at
UNHEALTHY FOOD/SWEETS
The unhealthy food was a lot harder because – we are pretty
healthy people. I literally had to clean
out the cupboards of our healthy food and replace ALL of it with stuff she wouldn’t
eat. Crackers and chips and juice boxes
and energy bars, etc....she had no choice but to eat it.
This was also harder because she would eat
stuff and then tell me her tummy hurt so of course I am thinking “Yep, well it’s
a bunch of garbage you are eating!!!” but I would have to ignore her. After a few days, she would eat any and all
of it without a comment so I started to phase out that food and introduce back
the healthier options we were used to.
She still is struggling to eat cookies, ice cream, etc…and
for now I have let this one go because in all honestly, I think she is better
off not having an addiction to sugar and I am CERTAINLY not going to push her
to eat desserts she does not want to eat!!
I will say that a few days ago she went out to lunch with Poppy and Alli
and afterward they went to the cookie shop and she actually ate some cookie and
never told me about it or talked about it making her nervous or her tummy hurt
so I think this one may just go away on its own.
FRUIT
Because she was afraid of fruit, that was my next goal. I filled the fridge with almost nothing but
fruit. This was a lot harder because
fruit (from our fruit trees) WAS the last thing she had eaten when she did
throw up 2 years ago. My method worked
the same though. Within a few days she
was eating fruit without having to talk about how worried she was. Today she was pulling down apricots, pluots
and apriums off the trees and eating them all….seems like a good sign to me.
EATING “DIRTY” FOOD
For a while Jill started avoiding eating any type of food
with her fingers. She wanted a fork all the time (and our kids have NO table
manners. Eating spaghetti with their fingers would be normal (sigh!) So when I noticed this behavior I started
unwrapping her bars and handing them to her (she would eat it by holding the
wrapper and eat it out of that), or if she asked for a piece of my apple and
she wanted me to put it in her mouth I would refuse and tell her she had to
take it with her fingers.
Luckily, this
was short lived and she is back to eating with her hands covered in dirt. YAY! I
am so glad I never pushed hand washing on these kids. She would probably be obsessive about washing
them if that was true.
Another day I had made chicken nuggets and one had fallen
onto the stove top. She saw that I
picked it up and put it with the rest of them and wanted to know which one it
was. I told her I had no idea and she
refused to eat the lunch. She was crying
and saying she wanted something else for lunch.
I told her she was not eating anything else until she ate the lunch I
made for her. (Prior to this I noticed
that a few times she had thrown away food that touched the counter or the
table. I decided this was a battle I was ready to fight with her.)
She took about 5 minutes, but eventually sat down and ate
them all and later told me… “That was silly of me. I’m sorry I acted that way.” Today, she won’t eat things that fall in the
dirt, but she is not concerned about the counter, table or stove tops anymore.
WHAT ALL THIS HARD WORK HAS ACHIEVED
Consequences of all this hard work was that Jill slowly started
to get some confidence in herself back.
She stayed at my parents’ house for 4 hours one day while I talked with
my EFT coach on the phone and took a nap.
She was starting to be able to EAT FOOD away from me.
A big part of why she needed to be with me at
all times was because IF she threw up, she wanted to be with me. She believed
that you are more likely to throw up right after you eat, so she would never
eat a meal and then go anywhere (and I could NEVER go on my bike ride right
after she had eaten.)
All of this
started to shift as she learned that SHE needed to be in control and not let
her “worry brain” take charge. I taught
my parents all the techniques that Jill was learning so they could tell her to
breath deep or to be stronger than her worry brain, etc….That made it easier
for me to relax a bit when she was at their house.
Another positive change was that she was going further in the
day without bringing up her tummy or worries or anything. Sometimes, the entire morning could pass by,
with eating breakfast and lunch even, and she wouldn’t mention anything. It also became easier for her to go to her
classes and theater practice.
After just
3 weeks of our new method of interacting with her she ran off to class with
just a wave. No hug, no Good-bye, no
clinging to me and asking if she would be ok. She jumped out of the car and ran
off. Granted…I was staying on campus,
but still, that is a huge improvement from her crying into my lap that she is
too nervous to go to class.
 |
| In Sheldon, on our trip in February where she would not go 25 feet away from me at any given time. |
About this time the therapist from the OCD Center in Los
Angeles finally called me back (it was a 3 week waiting list) and I happily
returned her call saying that I did not think we would need her services. I hung up the phone and thought about how far
she had come in 3 weeks. Our life had
taken a 180 degree turn, back towards where we began. Thank goodness.
SEPARATION ANXIETY LOOSENS ITS GRIP
The severity of her separation anxiety slowly began to lose
its grip on her as she began to feel safe and comfortable in controlling her
own emotions. February 12th
had been the day when she first had a panic attack when I left on my bike and for
the next two months I could not go anywhere without her and she would go
nowhere without me.
Actually, that is not fully true. We did start the practice of me going on a 15
minute bike ride where she would scream and kick and yell at Shane as he held
her back while I rode away. We had to
set a timer for her so that she knew when I was coming back. She would ask and fret about my bike ride
every single day.
“Are you going on your bike ride when Daddy gets home from
work? What time will he be home? How long will you be gone? Can you go before dinner? Will you be back on time? When is Daddy getting home?”
It was exhausting. But
we stayed consistent and persevered, calmly handling her meltdowns. We started
a sticker chart where she could earn stickers by staying calm for the time I
was gone. Every 3 minutes that she
stayed calm she earned a sticker – up to 5 stickers a day. When the whole sheet was filled (35 stickers)
she could go buy a $25 lego set. This
really, really helped her to have some motivation to remain calm. But, what really helped her calm down was
learning all the things Anne taught her in play therapy and we practiced each
and every day.
Ok, back to her decreasing separation anxiety.
We had promised Jill that if she went to Kmart with Shane
that he would buy her a big ($50) lego set.
We figured that if we could just get her to GO, then she would realize
she is ok being away from me and then other separations would begin to get
easier….and we were right.
She had an
issue with going in the car, so she would not get in the car to go with Shane,
but she had tried to ride her scooter up with him on March 28th. She made it half way and had to come
home. She was so disappointed in herself
– saying “This is the hardest day of my life.
Why is this so hard for me? I
just cant do it.”
We were all
trying to boost her confidence – saying “Jill, you tried!! That is great. You can try again next time you feel
ready!” She didnt want to hear it, but we just loved her, instead of
pushing her.
On April 11th, we had gone to IKEA and she wanted
to play with Alli in the elevator and on the escalator. I told her I had to shop, but if she wanted
to stay with Daddy and Alli, she could play.
She was very hesitant and nervous but she said YES, she would stay. I think I was more nervous than her.
I wandered off totally sick to my stomach,
not knowing if she was going to have a panic attack and not be able to find me
in this huge, and CRAZY CROWDED store.
It didn’t help that neither of our phones has signal inside IKEA so
Shane couldn’t contact me even if he wanted to.
About 15 minutes later, when I finally found them bouncing on the beds, she didn’t want to come with me to finish shopping. We met 45 minutes later at the check outs. This was the door opening up to her feeling
safe away from me.
She was SO PROUD of herself that she was away from me for an
hour! She kept talking about it and
saying that she was ready to go to Kmart with Shane the next day. All the next day, while Shane was at work,
she would say, “I am so excited to go to Kmart with Daddy when he gets home
from work!”
And true to her word, he got
home and they scootered up to Kmart and got her a lego set – a $40 lego set, by
the way. I think we have spent over $300
using legos as bribery during the last 3 months!! This was April 12th – EXACTLY 2
months after her first initial panic attack.
From then on, every single day she was looking for a new
adventure. The next day she went with
Shane to the dollar store and Trader Joe’s and they were gone for over an
hour. The day after that she went with Poppy
IN THE CAR to Kmart and he bought her a lego set!! She started “letting me” go on my bike ride
while she stayed with Mimi and Poppy (and this is a huge step because prior to
this I couldn’t trust her to not run after me if she was with my parents).
Two days later she went to our neighbor’s
house with Alli and swam for nearly an hour and a half – then she came home and
went to the store with Poppy and Alli – and then she came home and was SHOVING
me out the door to make me go on my bike ride!
Then, the most exciting day of my life – Saturday April 18th
Shane was taking Alli and Hazel over to his friend’s house to go swimming. Jill was nervous and not sure if she was
going to go, but she did. We told her
that after they got there I could come and pick her up if she was ready to
leave before Alli was done.
TWO AND A HALF HOURS LATER, they came home. She was simply GLOWING in her proudness! She ran over to my parents to swim some more
and I said, “Jill, I’m gonna run to Costco…do you want to come?” She thought for about 5 seconds and then said,
“I’m gonna stay here!”
Then, for the first time in NINE WEEKS I got in my car and
drove off ALONE!!!!! I was only gone for 25 minutes, but it was 25 minutes of
pure BLISS for me. I had a teeny tiny
little bit of freedom back.
This was all in just the first week of her newfound comfort.
On Mother's Day, she went fishing with Shane ALONE. They were gone for 6 hours and she had a fantastic time. She said she
We are still working
on me being able to leave her. It
is FAR easier for her to leave me then it is for me to go away from her. But, we practice and I don’t stay away too
long and it is getting better.
I just
know that moving slowly, at a pace she is comfortable with, is going to be the
key to moving forward in her feeling safe with me leaving her.
School and theater classes have ended so we
will not be able to work on those until the fall. She never did feel comfortable enough for me
to leave her at those places. She said, “Mommy,
I barely know these people” and she is
right. I’m not going to push her.
I am hoping that by
the time school starts again, she will
be over this, but if she is not…I will patiently work with her until she feels
safe being left during those types of activities. If there is nothing else I have learned
through this, I have FOR SURE learned that being loving, kind and moving at a
gentle pace is what has helped Jill improve by leaps and bounds in just the
last 2 months.
STILL WORKING ON…..
Unfortunately, we are not in the clear in all
respects.
There are some serious issues we are still dealing with. Even though lots of behaviors have improved,
some of the not so good behaviors in Jill include her going back to throwing
crazy tantrums about all sorts of silly things.
It is amazing, however, how much I LOVE and can tolerate these
tantrums.
If she wants to throw a fit
because I said she can’t play with her ball in the house that is FINE with
me. Any tantrum beyond one involving
throw up or her tummy or what she ate I will enjoy whole heartedly! Plus, it is maybe once a week now, not
multiple times a day.
Bedtime has gone from bad, to worse, to better, to terrible
to HORRIFIC to absolutely TERRIFYING!!
I’m gonna save this for another post, but just know that I never thought
I would have to worry about Jill climbing out her window in the middle of the
night before she turned, I don’t know, maybe 15…. but she did it at 7. Just as daytime started to improve, her night
times became nearly unbearable…I’m hoping in a few weeks to have a post about
how we saved bedtime. Wish me luck on
that one.
Those of us who spend time with Jill daily are amazed at how
much she has improved in such a short period of time. Her resilience, determination and ability to
control her emotions are stronger than many of the adults that I know! I make sure to tell her often how impressed I
am with all the hard work she is doing to take control of her life back. As she experiences different fears and anxieties in
the future – she will be far better equipped to handle it now that she has so
many tools to control her emotions.
UPDATED PART 4 - THE FINAL CHAPTER
UPDATED PART 4 - THE FINAL CHAPTER
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