THE LAST CHAPTER OF EMETOPHOBIA - PART 4

This is me, Jen, writhing in pain and sobbing on the couch.  That is sweet Jillbug's hand on my back.  Alli took this picture on my phone 8 days ago.  I had no idea she took it that day. I really feel that even though this intense pain is from my current health situation, (which you can read about below)....I also believe that it is how I have felt as I traversed the last few months with Jill.  I was constantly trying to stay strong for her even though this was what I felt like doing a lot of the time.  

She was writhing in pain, screaming on the couch.  The pain was so bad she was out of her mind, sobbing uncontrollably.  I knew what I needed to do.  I ran to her side.  I snuggled up next to her and let her put her head in my lap.  I smoothed her out of control hair and I talked soothingly to her, “Just breathe.  Take some deep breaths with me.”  It took a long time for her to stop the sobbing, but I just kept rubbing her back and breathing calmly until she joined me.  This had been going on for over 48 hours, so I knew to stay by her side until she calmed down.  Every once in a while I would remind her, “You’re not breathing deeply.  Listen to me breathe and breathe how I breathe.”  This was the 4^th day of Mommy not feeling well. I am beginning to wonder if she is ever going to get better.

It had been days since she ate a regular meal.  When Alli got up, we cut up some apple for her and tried feeding it to her one small piece at a time.   We gave her water through a small syringe we found.   We held her tight and sang her songs and tried to get her to smile, but it was impossible.  She says the pain is constant now, nothing is working to make the pain go away.  She is always moving and changing positions, but she can never get find a position without the pain.  She cries out in and starts sobbing a lot. She says, “I am sorry if I am scaring you girls.”  But – we aren’t scared….  She is in pain and we are here to help her.  Even after Poppy came to get us, we still wanted to stay with Mommy and soothe her, but we listened and went with Poppy, saying, “Mommy, you rest.  Daddy will be home soon to take care of you.  You will be ok.  We love you.”

-          Written from the perspective of 7 year old Jill, taking care of her Mommy.

Yes, the above words describe how Jill handled herself during some of the most painful moments of my life.  Jill – sweet Jillbug – who, just 7 months ago, became terrified to eat anything and worried about anything and everything under the sun, is nearly all better.  She still says she needs me to sit at her CORE classes when they start up again, but almost every other aspect we have been dealing with has been resolved. Though we might have a few kinks to still work out, the important thing is that she is back, she has blossomed out of her chrysalis and is soaring everywhere she wants to go.

SIDENOTE: I wanted to send out one final update on Jill, and also ask for some prayers for my recovery.  As I type this I have been bed ridden for 11 days, with no end in sight.  I finally broke down and took a Lyrica yesterday because I was screaming in pain so much that the girls were terrified and I had not slept for 5 nights because of the pain.   I’ve had an MRI but no diagnosis yet.  I haven’t walked more than 1 minute at a time in 11 days. The pain is excruciating. I talk a little more about this at the end of my post.

On the Sky tram at Sea World - one of the places we went on our San Diego "girls" trip in June

UPDATE ON JILLBUG:

This has been the most challenging 9 months of my life.   Watching my daughter change from a bright eyed, adventurous and happy kid, to an angry, terrified, worried, and anxious version of herself was incredibly difficult.  It was like watching her fall backwards through all the stages of her life that she missed the first time around.  

She never had tantrums when she was 2 and 3, no separation anxiety at 4 or 5, no anger, crazy emotions or power struggles at 6, no sleep issues – EVER.  She was the most mellow kid for SO long and I knew at some point she would have to go through those stages.  I hoped it would be before she was a teenager.  I got my wish.  She had an implosion of these all at the same time right around her 7^th birthday!

(If you missed Jill’s fears/phobia/anxiety posts, you can read them starting here – PART 1…PART 2…PART 3, I will also reference them in the text below.)

Seemingly out of nowhere, Jill started telling me her tummy hurt all the time.  This was in December.  In February, it progressed into a fear of every morsel of food she put in her mouth.  She could not take a bite of food without it causing her to worry about her tummy or that she would throw up immediately.  She would not leave my sight.  She was terrified to eat, she was terrified to sleep, she was terrified to poo, she was terrified to leave my side.  She was terrified she would throw up ALL THE TIME. (read it here…Part 1)  

She wouldn’t play with Alli anymore, she wouldn’t go to Mimi and Poppy’s, she wouldn’t go play with her cousins, she wouldn’t even go play by herself in her room anymore.  Her entire life was now based on a fear of throwing up and as a result, my life now revolved around Jill and her fears.  It was like having a newborn again: no sleep, constant crying, no sleep, incessant talk about bodily functions, no sleep, a child clinging to me all day long, no sleep…..  

February and March were BRUTAL for our family and even though I felt like this would be my new way of life, we did the hard work that needed done and she started to get better. 

The emetophobia website I found (ANNA CHRISTIE) said you MUST stop reassuring the child and stop paying attention to their fear.  I felt like a terrible mom when I started to ignore her, but once I started ignoring her worries about her tummy and throwing up – she stopped bringing it up. 

It took 3 days, can you believe it?  THREE DAYS and she stopped being consumed by her fear.

And she wasn’t suppressing her fear either, which I was

Lake Moraine near Banff, CANADA

concerned about….she was having fun again, playing again, she could leave my side, she was laughing again, being her silly old self again, FINALLY.  (read it here…PART 2)

Her separation anxiety we worked on slowly.  It took her 2 months after her first panic attack (February 12^th, when I left for my daily bike ride) to go to the store with Shane alone…but then in the next week she asked every day if she could go on an “adventure” with someone.  She asked to go places with Daddy and Poppy and Auntie.  

On Mother’s day (3 months after that panic attack) she went fishing and hiking with Shane for 6 hours and she had a blast.  She had never had a trip alone with Daddy and she was so happy to finally be able to experience that.  She said, "Next time, let's go overnight!"

Then she was asking to stay the night at Mimi and Poppy’s (and yes, she slept fine over there - all night -even though at home she refused to go to bed calmly or stay in bed without screaming for me multiple times a night!) 

But, even though she was getting better with the separation anxiety, every time she left to go with anyone, I was a nervous wreck the whole time. Her leaving me ended up being way easier (for her AND ME) to handle than me leaving her.  

In the beginning, she screamed when I left for my 15 minute bike rides, but soon she was pushing me out the door to go on my ride (as long as it was only 15 minutes).  But if I left to go to a store, she would cry, ask where I was going and when I was coming back, ask if she was going to be ok.  Something about me leaving in a car, maybe?

The girls at the left playing a game of tug on Canada Day - July 1.  We were in BANFF and I was actually off by myself going to some stores and coffee shops...Jill was fine staying with her Daddy!

We really had to work on this aspect, but were not sure how to go about it.  What happened was that she decided on her own she was ready for me to leave her.

The day after our 16^th wedding anniversary in May (23 years together!) Jill told us she wanted to spend all day with Mimi and Poppy and we could do whatever we wanted.  Shane wanted to go hiking in Lassen.  I had a massive breakdown instead.  

I couldn’t stop crying.  It had been nearly 4 months since her separation anxiety began and I am pretty sure I took it on for her.  What if she falls apart, what if she freaks out, what if she only wants me and decides she is NEVER going somewhere without me again…..what if???? I could not calm down.

We ended up at a local coffeehouse because I couldn’t leave town.  We sat at an outside table with 20 other patrons surrounding us, trying to enjoy their Saturday morning coffee and breakfast and I was crying like an out of control 2 year old.  I couldn’t stop.  

I called my parents in a panic, worried that this was not going to work.  They had to talk me down…”Jen, she is going to be fine.  You need to go somewhere.  We can handle her.  No matter what happens, she will be ok.  We will have them until after dinner…just go enjoy…please!”

Johnston Canyon - outside of BANFF.  I love that the girls hold hands while they hike!

 And we did.  I was finally able to calm down and we drove to Grass Valley.  We talked the whole drive…we went out to lunch…I did some shopping – ALONE!!!....we got more coffee…we went out for dinner…we talked the whole drive home.  It was SO 

A M A Z I N G!!!  

Shane and I have always enjoyed (and NEEDED) our time alone together and that ability had been taken away from us for the last 4 months.  It was so wonderful to be together again, ALONE!! 

Those previous months had been a long, hard struggle, and we had put in the work necessary to help Jill heal her worries and fears (read about all the things we did here…..PART 3).  We had made progress in every area of Jill’s life except one….SLEEP!  

That is a huge problem to have.  She moved her fears into the nighttime, and because I did not have the heart to ignore my child at night, in the dark, when she was frightened….she continued to manifest her fear into a nighttime struggle.

Can you believe this sweet kid would throw
things at me???  This is a kid's tree climbing
course the girls did together in Canada.

Most nights involved 1.5 hours of trying to get Jill to stay in bed and go to sleep.  Then there was always some middle of the night drama (some nights more than once) involving me having to stand in her doorway and wait for her to calm herself down and get into bed – this could take 1 – 2 hours.  Many times it ended up with me getting my arm and hand slammed in her door as she tried to escape.  I also had things thrown at me. 

There was the night she threatened to jumped out her window and then she did, 7 feet to the ground.  Other nights involved more of Jill screaming than sleeping, and a few nights when she ran to our backyard and threatened to go wake Mimi and Poppy up (they live behind us) at 2am.  I am quite surprised that no one ever called CPS.  Her screaming had to have been audible outside.

We were at a complete loss for what to do.  Soothing her didn’t help, cuddling her didn’t help, the meditations no longer helped, and sleeping in bed with us was not going to happen.  We were doing homeopathy, acupuncture, reward charts, sticker charts, bribery,  Chinese herbs, essential oils, and nothing was helping. The last time she slept ok was when I took the girls camping in Fort Bragg, in March.  It was approaching June.

Alli and I did the adult tree climbing course.
She did fantastic.  All the way to
double black diamond!

Shane always goes on a trip with the guys from work when school gets out.  He was going to be gone for a week and I did not want to be at home alone, trying to deal with the chaos that bedtime and nighttime had become. I decided to take the girls to San Diego and go camping for 8 days.  And guess what!!!!!  I got 8 nights of sleep, ALL NIGHT LONG, sleep.  

Then we got home and she went right back to her “normal” sleeping habits.  I keep asking myself…..How is this possible? and When will this end????

We were only home for a week before we were leaving for our 4 week summer trip.  Those 7 days at home ended up being really bad the first 3 nights, but the last 4 nights she slept decent…not perfect, but decent and after what we have been going through I will take decent ANYTIME!!!

We left for our trip and camped in Mt. Shasta, then headed to White City to pick out our 3.5 week old puppy.  There were 21 German Shorthair Pointers….it was impossible.  I was crying cuz I still missed Hazel so Shane just kind of picked one and latched on….that’s our Chaco (named after the Chaco Culture – National Historical Site in New Mexico.  The 20 mile long dirt road in there destroyed our Subaru’s suspension but was an amazing place and of course the Chaco Sandals!!)  We have 3.5 weeks of vacation before we get to come back and take him home.

Chaco at 3.5 weeks old

We had a great trip.  (I have dispersed some pictures throughout this post. ) And again, Jill slept all night, every night.  Maybe we SHOULD just sleep in a tent in our backyard??.…because the minute we got back to a house (Shane’s parents in Olympia) she reverted right back to her old sleeping ways.  Screaming at bedtime, scared to go to sleep, wanting reassured she didn’t eat too much watermelon….It all came back full force.

Chaco at 7 weeks

We only stayed 3 days and then we drove back to White City to pick up Chaco and thought (naively) that maybe once we were home bedtime would be normal.  I had asked my parents to do a complete makeover on Jill’s room while we were gone.  I thought maybe if it looked different, just like a cute little girl’s room, then maybe she would forget all about her previous habits and would sleep perfect!  

My parents did an amazing job.  Her room was ADORABLE!!!  Jill was so excited and happy.  I was almost convinced it would be fine. 

I was very, VERY wrong.  Bedtime went fine.  Book, blessing, and song, but the minute I walked toward the door to leave she said, “But, what if I throw up?” and we were right back to square one.  She hadn't actually asked that question at bedtime since April.  Yes, she screamed but mostly about wanting another tuck in, or a hug, or a kiss or to use the bathroom.  She never said she was scared of throw up anymore.  But, she had no memory of the 4 decent nights of sleep she had before we left.  All she remembered was the months and months that came before and she went right back to the beginning.

They hiked to Bumpass Hell while camping
in Lassen for 5 days.

I am not even going to get into the turmoil that broke out for the next 3 weeks …there are moments I am trying to erase from my long term memory.  

However, there was some good…Shane took the girls camping for 5 days without me.  I was VERY concerned they were going to end up home in the middle of that first night because Jill needs ME at night.  That is what she says….just MOMMY! 

 She had never been camping without me, EVER, and now she was going camping without me in the middle of her worst sleeping we ever experienced. But, guess what?  She loved it.  The girls asked to stay an extra day.  

SIDENOTE: Guess when my sciatica started……yep, the FIRST night they were gone.  The first night I could have slept all night without worrying about a screaming child waking me up.  I still had to get up with Chaco…but still….this is not a coincidence to me!  I have not slept ONE night since Jill has been sleeping through the night.  (Well, I should say – unmedicated.  I’ve had 3 nights I was so drugged up from pain meds that I slept – I don’t think that counts!)

When they returned (August 1st), she had two bad nights of sleep and then….POOF! She just slept, like that.  She goes to bed no problem, she sleeps all night.  It has been about 3 weeks that she has slept without an issue.  I am optimistically going to say that I am closing the chapter to this part of our lives.  Good-bye, farewell. I learned a lot.

So, moving forward, let's pray she continues to improve in all areas.  That her sleep remains peaceful and calm, and that she realizes she can be left at her classes for 2 hours without needing me there. 

And finally, let's pray for some relief for me so that I can get back to being a mother and a wife and a homeschooler and a friend and a daughter and a sister and a hiker and a bike rider and a yogi and all the things I love to do, cuz right now I am nothing but a bump on my bed.  I can barely walk the 5 feet to my bathroom, I am dizzy an loopy from drugs.  I've lost 7 pounds in 10 days cuz I don't want to eat and I have one position that doesnt cause intense pain (I am never pain free). AND, I have no idea when this is going to end. Your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated. 

CONTINUED.....THE STORY WITHOUT AN ENDING