In August and into September, when I could not walk, sit, drive, eat or sleep.... Jill got over her fears, phobias,
separation anxiety and sleep issues.
If you need some background as to what this "story" is all about you can start at the beginning - or anywhere
EMETOPHOBIA and why our family is in CRISIS
The Darkest Hour
DONT LET A FEAR BECOME A PHOBIA
The LAST Chapter....
If you need some background as to what this "story" is all about you can start at the beginning - or anywhere
EMETOPHOBIA and why our family is in CRISIS
The Darkest Hour
DONT LET A FEAR BECOME A PHOBIA
The LAST Chapter....
Life returned to semi-normal. She would go to her homeschool classes alone so I would have a few short hours to myself during the week.
But, I couldnt walk, do yoga, ride my bike, etc...so I started to
feel depressed, even though I didnt know it at the time. I was coming off the Lyrica I had been on for a month (for the nerve pain) and I blamed withdrawl symptoms for a lot of my sadness and lack of motivation to live. But I also know that I have a hard time with sitting around, and figured my injury was hurting me much more than just physically.
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| Jill started playing Soccer and LOVED it. Her fears seemed to come back once soccer ended. The distraction was good for her. In spring she is doing basketball, art, hip hop, archery and track! I think this girls needs to be busy. |
I dealt with her regression pretty well. Not perfectly, but I was able to show her compassion and understanding for a little while. I figured it would be slow
lived.
Why would she want to go back to waking up at night and being afraid to be away from me....it couldn't last long. But it did.
Now that I wanted to be out hiking, biking or rollerblading, she started acting worried anytime I left. I felt myself slowly going crazy...I was feeling trapped again, and I did not want to go back to feeling that way.
One day she threw a fit
because she didn’t want to go with my dad to the library. She was
AFRAID, she said. Why did I have to take Chaco rollerblading? Could she go with me, cuz she was nervous....
I yelled at her then, LOUD AND MEAN
Why would she want to go back to waking up at night and being afraid to be away from me....it couldn't last long. But it did.
Now that I wanted to be out hiking, biking or rollerblading, she started acting worried anytime I left. I felt myself slowly going crazy...I was feeling trapped again, and I did not want to go back to feeling that way.
I yelled at her then, LOUD AND MEAN
I DONT CARE IF YOU ARE AFRAID.....I NEED A BREAK! NOW GO WITH
POPPY!!!
She still refused to go, but after a few minutes of me berating her she finally went, and I felt horrified with myself. I am not a yeller...What was happening to
me?
I had endured 9 solid weeks of Jill not leaving my side, daily crying over her tummy hurting whenever she put a tiny morsel in her mouth, HOURS and HOURS of her screaming in the middle of the night about how afraid she was that she would throw up.....I handled her with more love and kindness back then...how was that possible?
Now, she never worried about food she ate, she was even eating sweets again without thinking it would make her throw up. Yes, she got up at night, but usually only once and she just wanted tucked back in. There was never screaming involved. And she didn't want to be at CORE alone, but she loved going places with my parents and Shane (except for the library incident)! My life was NOT that hard anymore but I was falling to pieces every day...
I came to the conclusion that I was just a terrible person. I made being a mom look awful, I was a terrible wife and an awful friend. School with the girls was just about killing me....I was only seeing the negative in everything around me. I didn't understand what the point of my life was anymore. I was making myself and everyone around me miserable.
November and December are a total blur to me. I think I was walking around in a dazed depression. Not smiling, not laughing, not finding joy in anything. I literally would just sit and stare at the walls.
It really makes me sad to think about how much of this year I sat around staring at the walls....how has this become my life??
I had endured 9 solid weeks of Jill not leaving my side, daily crying over her tummy hurting whenever she put a tiny morsel in her mouth, HOURS and HOURS of her screaming in the middle of the night about how afraid she was that she would throw up.....I handled her with more love and kindness back then...how was that possible?
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| Alli before her dance show...she took Jazz |
Now, she never worried about food she ate, she was even eating sweets again without thinking it would make her throw up. Yes, she got up at night, but usually only once and she just wanted tucked back in. There was never screaming involved. And she didn't want to be at CORE alone, but she loved going places with my parents and Shane (except for the library incident)! My life was NOT that hard anymore but I was falling to pieces every day...
I came to the conclusion that I was just a terrible person. I made being a mom look awful, I was a terrible wife and an awful friend. School with the girls was just about killing me....I was only seeing the negative in everything around me. I didn't understand what the point of my life was anymore. I was making myself and everyone around me miserable.
November and December are a total blur to me. I think I was walking around in a dazed depression. Not smiling, not laughing, not finding joy in anything. I literally would just sit and stare at the walls.
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| One day the girls had me take pictures of them as they made the whole alphabet out of their bodies. This did bring a smile to my face! |
It really makes me sad to think about how much of this year I sat around staring at the walls....how has this become my life??
At some point in November, I told Shane I needed to get away...what I
really wanted was to get away with him, but Jill was adamant that she
would NOT be OK with us both leaving. Yes, I could have just said TOO BAD, but I was not going to risk leaving her screaming at my parents or even worse...chasing our car as we drove away.
So, maybe as an intermediate step I could take just 2 nights in a hotel. Shane could handle her screaming as I left and I knew I needed a break.
But I needed to be realistic. Jill was back to barely being able to handle me going on a bike ride, how did I think I was going to get away OVERNIGHT! More than once, I backed out of taking a short vacation alone.
So, maybe as an intermediate step I could take just 2 nights in a hotel. Shane could handle her screaming as I left and I knew I needed a break.
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| My first TV since I was 18....bought not to watch TV, but to play video games! HA! And of course for Yogaglo.com |
But I needed to be realistic. Jill was back to barely being able to handle me going on a bike ride, how did I think I was going to get away OVERNIGHT! More than once, I backed out of taking a short vacation alone.
On December 19th, at our weekly family meeting, I made the
mistake of mentioning that I wanted to get away by myself. Jill did
not handle this news well. She was immediately sobbing and saying
that I could not go away overnight. As you can imagine, our meeting
ended badly. I felt even MORE like getting away because it was
obvious that I was TRAPPED by my 8 year old.
That day, Jill asked me endlessly about when, where and how long I was going to leave. I finally told her that I refused to answer any more questions. It was non-negotiable and I was ALLOWED to go away. She stopped asking but she was distraught.
That day, Jill asked me endlessly about when, where and how long I was going to leave. I finally told her that I refused to answer any more questions. It was non-negotiable and I was ALLOWED to go away. She stopped asking but she was distraught.
December 22nd – I told Shane that I wanted to leave on
the 26th. We would tell Jill on Christmas and maybe she would be happy when we said she could play the Wii ALL DAY when I left and it would go just fine.....
I told him – DO NOT LET ME BACK OUT!!!! I need to get away.
I told him – DO NOT LET ME BACK OUT!!!! I need to get away.
December 23rd – I back out...Jill was doing relatively
good, did I really want to mess with it. I didn't want to screw up
Christmas for her. She would be a total mess after she found out I
was leaving. I couldn't do that to her.
I didn't HAVE to get away, I had endured this for over a year....I could handle it for a bit more and give her the time to grow some more. I have NEVER taken a vacation by myself, why was I choosing to do it right now?? I can wait...
I didn't HAVE to get away, I had endured this for over a year....I could handle it for a bit more and give her the time to grow some more. I have NEVER taken a vacation by myself, why was I choosing to do it right now?? I can wait...
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| Christmas day Wii games....Who is having the most fun???? |
December 24th – The most awful Christmas eve in my
life. I could not sleep the night before. Jill wouldn't go to bed,
then she got up twice in the night and I lost about 4 hours of
sleep just tossing and turning.
Was this challenge that we were facing with Jill EVER GOING TO END????
Would I ever be able to just go to bed and sleep all night....would I ever be able to leave the house even for an hour without Jill being worried? Would Shane and I ever be able to go backpacking or cross country skiing alone again??
Nothing in life is guaranteed and I don't want to wait until she outgrows this....I WANT TO GO NOW!!!! I decided during that 4 hours of being awake when I should have been sleeping....
Was this challenge that we were facing with Jill EVER GOING TO END????
Would I ever be able to just go to bed and sleep all night....would I ever be able to leave the house even for an hour without Jill being worried? Would Shane and I ever be able to go backpacking or cross country skiing alone again??
Nothing in life is guaranteed and I don't want to wait until she outgrows this....I WANT TO GO NOW!!!! I decided during that 4 hours of being awake when I should have been sleeping....
I WAS LEAVING – 5 NIGHTS CAMPING IN FORT BRAGG ALL ALONE.......
BUT.....
What if me going away threw her for a tailspin??? Recently, she had refused to eat a few times when I wasn't around. What if she didn't eat the whole
time I was gone. What if she stays up screaming all night? What if
she wont let me go and Shane has to pry her off of my body. What if
she actually throws up while I am gone....she will NEVER leave my
side again. I was headed for my own tailspin, but I was leaving.
I told Shane my plans in the morning. I would leave on the 26th
and we would tell her that morning...give her an hour or two notice
and if she spent the whole time screaming than SO BE IT!
Christmas Eve had been awful, I screamed and cried a lot. I was
exhausted and at the end of what I could handle. I told Jill that if
she didn't start sleeping better then I was going to start sleeping
one night a week somewhere else, I don't even care where – I just NEED SOME SLEEP.
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| Sweet Alli...so ignored during this past year...I need to change that in 2016. |
I yelled at her that I needed to start putting my needs first every
once in a while. I needed to be able to go on a bike ride without
her freaking out about it. I need some time to myself!! She was
horrified at my behavior and did her own screaming and crying, but I didn't care.
I was a terrible, awful parent that day, but we are all allowed to screw up every once in a while. I was sad it was Christmas Eve, though – Shame on me, right?
But guess what....Jill slept good that night, and Christmas night, too.
I was a terrible, awful parent that day, but we are all allowed to screw up every once in a while. I was sad it was Christmas Eve, though – Shame on me, right?
But guess what....Jill slept good that night, and Christmas night, too.
Dec 26th, 7:30am Jill was cleaning up her Christmas
toys and I walked into her room and said,
“Jill, I am leaving for my trip today.” She totally and
completely lost it. Screaming NO NO NO NO over and over again. She
said all of the following things, while screaming at the top of her
lungs:
- I cant live without you
- I wont be able to sleep if you arent here
- You cant go, I wont let you. I will block the car.
- I will scream all night long and no one will get any sleep
- I wont sleep the whole time you are gone
- YOU CANNOT GO!!!!
There was no consoling her.
I said, “You will have Daddy at night.”
She said, “He isnt you.”
I said, “Daddy has so many fun things planned.”
She said, “I dont care about any of them, I just want you to stay
here.”
I said, “I really need a break.”
She said, “Why do you need to be away from me? I let you go on bike
rides.”
I said, “You are going to be ok.”
She said, “How do you know????”
She progressively became more frantic. Her entire face was filled with splotchy red hives. She was shaking so badly that
her teeth were chattering uncontrollably.
Yes, heartbreaking...but I was not backing out....I needed to get
away to see if I could snap out the depression that had a grip on
me....I needed to get away to get some sleep and I needed to get away
so that Jill and I BOTH would see that she actually could live
without me.
After about 15 minutes of screaming and crying, she finally calmed
down. She called me into her room and told me something that I will
treasure for the rest of my life.
She said, “Mommy, I KNOW I am going to be OK. I really do know that. But I am just really, really scared.”
She said, “Mommy, I KNOW I am going to be OK. I really do know that. But I am just really, really scared.”
I told her that of course it was perfectly normal to be scared. This
was a HUGE step for her and we all knew it might be difficult.
I also shared this fact with her - "Jill, I NEVER, EVER would have gone on a trip overnight back when you couldn't handle me going on a 15 minute bike ride. The only reason I am going now is because I KNOW that you can handle this. It might take some strength that you didn't know you had, but you WILL SURVIVE me being gone."
I mentioned to her that she just might feel more grown up when I get back because of this brave step she was taking. She smiled and said she felt brave already. I hope I am right.
I also shared this fact with her - "Jill, I NEVER, EVER would have gone on a trip overnight back when you couldn't handle me going on a 15 minute bike ride. The only reason I am going now is because I KNOW that you can handle this. It might take some strength that you didn't know you had, but you WILL SURVIVE me being gone."
I mentioned to her that she just might feel more grown up when I get back because of this brave step she was taking. She smiled and said she felt brave already. I hope I am right.
Two hours later I gave her a kiss goodbye and she told me to have
fun. I drove to Fort Bragg. I have been here for 4 days and still
have 2 days left. I have sat staring at the ocean, spent hours
writing in my journal and riding my bike, hiking, walking along the
Noyo Headlands in the pitch dark and pouring rain.
How grateful I am to be here, and to be able to move my body and free my mind from the entrapment I have felt for over a year.
How grateful I am to be here, and to be able to move my body and free my mind from the entrapment I have felt for over a year.
My beautiful, generous sister who always spoils me gave me $$$ for
my trip and I have treated myself to a new yoga mat, 6 meals, 2
movies, 5 yoga classes, and numerous cups of coffee, chai and tea and
I still have more to spend. Thank you, Nick!! T. Bar date when I get
back!!
As for Jill??? It was hard for me to relax the first night because I
was very concerned with how her first night without me would go. I
have no cell signal so I was relying on a finding a pay phone to use a calling card or finding a coffeeshop with wifi to get word on how the night went.
As you might have guessed – she did GREAT!!! They had a great day and then at bedtime she came out of her room 3 times and had Shane tuck her back in and she woke up once during the night but went right back to sleep! What a relief!!
As you might have guessed – she did GREAT!!! They had a great day and then at bedtime she came out of her room 3 times and had Shane tuck her back in and she woke up once during the night but went right back to sleep! What a relief!!
The second morning I got this email from Shane:
We
had a great night. Jill called me in once saying she missed you and
then did not call me in after that. She actually slept through the
night. During the day Jill mentions that she is fine with you being
away and wishes that you where gone for longer. I definitely feel
like this has been a great experience for her...
And today I called and talked to her. She said, "Mommy, don't be offended, but I am having so much fun. I am sleeping good at night even though you aren't here. You can go on another trip anytime you want. I still love you so much, though!"
The last two nights she has gone to bed and slept all night long.
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| Me and Jill's Cheetah...she told me to take her everywhere with me. |
The last two nights she has gone to bed and slept all night long.
What a relief this is for my poor worn out soul. I am finding that
my true self is still inside this body somewhere. I am determined to
find her and nurture her back to health. This year has been terribly
difficult for me and our family, and I have felt like giving up A LOT
of times...I hope that my days of wanting to give up are over.
I also know there is a a very strong possibility that Jill is just going to go right back to waking up at night when I return home...but at least now I know I can get away when I need to, and maybe that will make it easier to tuck her back in at 2am - even when I know she can do it herself.
But, maybe...just maybe...she will have grown enough during this time to know that she can just keep sleeping all night long...even if I am home.
I also know there is a a very strong possibility that Jill is just going to go right back to waking up at night when I return home...but at least now I know I can get away when I need to, and maybe that will make it easier to tuck her back in at 2am - even when I know she can do it herself.
But, maybe...just maybe...she will have grown enough during this time to know that she can just keep sleeping all night long...even if I am home.
Thank you, sweet Shane, for making this possible. You are amazing. I know I have been a difficult person to be around this year, but you have only supported and loved me more because of it. You are such a gift in my life.
THERE IS ANOTHER POST IN THIS SAGA -
THE ENDING DOESNT MATTER
THERE IS ANOTHER POST IN THIS SAGA -
THE ENDING DOESNT MATTER
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