THE STORY WITHOUT AN ENDING


In August and into September, when I could not walk, sit, drive, eat or sleep.... Jill got over her fears, phobias, separation anxiety and sleep issues.

If you need some background as to what this "story" is all about you can start at the beginning -  or anywhere

EMETOPHOBIA and why our family is in CRISIS
The Darkest Hour
DONT LET A FEAR BECOME A PHOBIA
The LAST Chapter....

Life returned to semi-normal. She would go to her homeschool classes alone so I would have a few short hours to myself during the week.

But, I couldnt walk, do yoga, ride my bike, etc...so I started to feel depressed, even though I didnt know it at the time.  I was coming off the Lyrica I had been on for a month (for the nerve pain) and I blamed withdrawl symptoms for a lot of my sadness and lack of motivation to live.   But I also know that I have a hard time with sitting around, and figured my injury was hurting me much more than just physically.

Jill started playing Soccer and LOVED it.  Her fears seemed to
come back once soccer ended.  The distraction was good for her.
In spring she is doing basketball, art, hip hop, archery and track!
I think this girls needs to be busy.
Over the following two month span, I started to improve and could walk a little, ride my bike and for some reason I was able to rollerblade. As I got better, Jill regressed. Now she knew that if she called for me in the middle of the night I was ABLE to get up and come to her, so....she started waking up for me again. Then she was scared one day when I dropped her off at her classes and she wouldn't stay unless I stayed there with her.

I dealt with her regression pretty well. Not perfectly, but I was able to show her compassion and understanding for a little while.  I figured it would be slow lived.

Why would she want to go back to waking up at night and being afraid to be away from me....it couldn't last long. But it did.  

Now that I wanted to be out hiking, biking or rollerblading, she started acting worried anytime I left. I felt myself slowly going crazy...I was feeling trapped again, and I did not want to go back to feeling that way.  


One day she threw a fit because she didn’t want to go with my dad to the library. She was AFRAID, she said.  Why did I have to take Chaco rollerblading?  Could she go with me, cuz she was nervous....

 I yelled at her then, LOUD AND MEAN

I DONT CARE IF YOU ARE AFRAID.....I NEED A BREAK! NOW GO WITH POPPY!!!

She still refused to go, but after a few minutes of me berating her she finally went, and I felt horrified with myself. I am not a yeller...What was happening to me? 

 I had endured 9 solid weeks of Jill not leaving my side, daily crying over her tummy hurting whenever she put a tiny morsel in her mouth, HOURS and HOURS of her screaming in the middle of the night about how afraid she was that she would throw up.....I handled her with more love and kindness back then...how was that possible? 
Alli before her dance show...she took Jazz

Now, she never worried about food she ate, she was even eating sweets again without thinking it would make her throw up.  Yes, she got up at night, but usually only once and she just wanted tucked back in.  There was never screaming involved. And she didn't want to be at CORE alone, but she loved going places with my parents and Shane (except for the library incident)!  My life was NOT that hard anymore but I was falling to pieces every day...

I came to the conclusion that I was just a terrible person.  I made being a mom look awful, I was a terrible wife and an awful friend. School with the girls was just about killing me....I was only seeing the negative in everything around me.  I didn't understand what the point of my life was anymore.  I was making myself and everyone around me miserable.

November and December are a total blur to me. I think I was walking around in a dazed depression. Not smiling, not laughing, not finding joy in anything. I literally would just sit and stare at the walls.  
One day the girls had me take pictures of them as they made the whole alphabet out of their bodies.  This did bring a smile to my face!

It really makes me sad to think about how much of this year I sat around staring at the walls....how has this become my life??

At some point in November, I told Shane I needed to get away...what I really wanted was to get away with him, but Jill was adamant that she would NOT be OK with us both leaving.  Yes, I could have just said TOO BAD, but I was not going to risk leaving her screaming at my parents or even worse...chasing our car as we drove away.  

 So, maybe as an intermediate step I could take just 2 nights in a hotel. Shane could handle her screaming as I left and I knew I needed a break.
My first TV since I was 18....bought not to watch TV, but to play video games! HA!   And of course for Yogaglo.com

But I needed to be realistic.  Jill was back to barely being able to handle me going on a bike ride, how did I think I was going to get away OVERNIGHT! More than once, I backed out of taking a short vacation alone.

On December 19th, at our weekly family meeting, I made the mistake of mentioning that I wanted to get away by myself. Jill did not handle this news well. She was immediately sobbing and saying that I could not go away overnight. As you can imagine, our meeting ended badly. I felt even MORE like getting away because it was obvious that I was TRAPPED by my 8 year old. 

That day, Jill asked me endlessly about when, where and how long I was going to leave. I finally told her that I refused to answer any more questions. It was non-negotiable and I was ALLOWED to go away. She stopped asking but she was distraught.

December 22nd – I told Shane that I wanted to leave on the 26th. We would tell Jill on Christmas and maybe she would be happy when we said she could play the Wii ALL DAY when I left  and it would go just fine.....

I told him – DO NOT LET ME BACK OUT!!!! I need to get away.

December 23rd – I back out...Jill was doing relatively good, did I really want to mess with it. I didn't want to screw up Christmas for her. She would be a total mess after she found out I was leaving. I couldn't do that to her. 

I didn't HAVE to get away, I had endured this for over a year....I could handle it for a bit more and give her the time to grow some more.  I have NEVER taken a vacation by myself, why was I choosing to do it right now??  I can wait...

Christmas day Wii games....Who is having the most fun????

December 24th – The most awful Christmas eve in my life. I could not sleep the night before. Jill wouldn't go to bed, then she got up twice in the night and I lost about 4 hours of sleep just tossing and turning. 

Was this challenge that we were facing with Jill EVER GOING TO END???? 

Would I ever be able to just go to bed and sleep all night....would I ever be able to leave the house even for an hour without Jill being worried? Would Shane and I ever be able to go backpacking or cross country skiing alone again?? 

Nothing in life is guaranteed and I don't want to wait until she outgrows this....I WANT TO GO NOW!!!! I decided during that 4 hours of being awake when I should have been sleeping....

I WAS LEAVING – 5 NIGHTS CAMPING IN FORT BRAGG ALL ALONE.......

BUT.....

What if me going away threw her for a tailspin??? Recently, she had refused to eat a few times when I wasn't around. What if she didn't eat the whole time I was gone. What if she stays up screaming all night? What if she wont let me go and Shane has to pry her off of my body. What if she actually throws up while I am gone....she will NEVER leave my side again. I was headed for my own tailspin, but I was leaving.

I told Shane my plans in the morning. I would leave on the 26th and we would tell her that morning...give her an hour or two notice and if she spent the whole time screaming than SO BE IT!

Christmas Eve had been awful, I screamed and cried a lot. I was
Sweet Alli...so ignored during this past year...I need
to change that in 2016.
exhausted and at the end of what I could handle. I told Jill that if she didn't start sleeping better then I was going to start sleeping one night a week somewhere else, I don't even care where – I just NEED SOME SLEEP.

I yelled at her that I needed to start putting my needs first every once in a while. I needed to be able to go on a bike ride without her freaking out about it. I need some time to myself!! She was horrified at my behavior and did her own screaming and crying, but I didn't care. 

I was a terrible, awful parent that day, but we are all allowed to screw up every once in a while.  I was sad it was Christmas Eve, though – Shame on me, right? 

But guess what....Jill slept good that night, and Christmas night, too.

Dec 26th, 7:30am Jill was cleaning up her Christmas toys and I walked into her room and said, “Jill, I am leaving for my trip today.” She totally and completely lost it. Screaming NO NO NO NO over and over again. She said all of the following things, while screaming at the top of her lungs:

  • I cant live without you
  • I wont be able to sleep if you arent here
  • You cant go, I wont let you. I will block the car.
  • I will scream all night long and no one will get any sleep
  • I wont sleep the whole time you are gone
  • YOU CANNOT GO!!!!

There was no consoling her.
I said, “You will have Daddy at night.”
She said, “He isnt you.”

I said, “Daddy has so many fun things planned.”
She said, “I dont care about any of them, I just want you to stay here.”

I said, “I really need a break.”
She said, “Why do you need to be away from me? I let you go on bike rides.”

I said, “You are going to be ok.”
She said, “How do you know????”

She progressively became more frantic. Her entire face was filled with splotchy red hives.  She was shaking so badly that her teeth were chattering uncontrollably.

Yes, heartbreaking...but I was not backing out....I needed to get away to see if I could snap out the depression that had a grip on me....I needed to get away to get some sleep and I needed to get away so that Jill and I BOTH would see that she actually could live without me.

After about 15 minutes of screaming and crying, she finally calmed down. She called me into her room and told me something that I will treasure for the rest of my life. 

She said, “Mommy, I KNOW I am going to be OK. I really do know that. But I am just really, really scared.”

What a gift to this poor worn out mom....She had been listening to me all these months, she was going to be OK, I was going to be OK...we are ALL going to be OK. 

I told her that of course it was perfectly normal to be scared. This was a HUGE step for her and we all knew it might be difficult. 

I also shared this fact with her - "Jill, I NEVER, EVER would have gone on a trip overnight back when you couldn't handle me going on a 15 minute bike ride.  The only reason I am going now is because I KNOW that you can handle this.  It might take some strength that you didn't know you had, but you WILL SURVIVE me being gone."  

I mentioned to her that she just might feel more grown up when I get back because of this brave step she was taking. She smiled and said she felt brave already. I hope I am right.

Two hours later I gave her a kiss goodbye and she told me to have fun. I drove to Fort Bragg. I have been here for 4 days and still have 2 days left. I have sat staring at the ocean, spent hours writing in my journal and riding my bike, hiking, walking along the Noyo Headlands in the pitch dark and pouring rain. 

How grateful I am to be here, and to be able to move my body and free my mind from the entrapment I have felt for over a year.  

My beautiful, generous sister who always spoils me gave me $$$ for my trip and I have treated myself to a new yoga mat, 6 meals, 2 movies, 5 yoga classes, and numerous cups of coffee, chai and tea and I still have more to spend. Thank you, Nick!! T. Bar date when I get back!!


As for Jill??? It was hard for me to relax the first night because I was very concerned with how her first night without me would go. I have no cell signal so I was relying on a finding a pay phone to use a calling card or finding a coffeeshop with wifi to get word on how the night went. 

As you might have guessed – she did GREAT!!! They had a great day and then at bedtime she came out of her room 3 times and had Shane tuck her back in and she woke up once during the night but went right back to sleep! What a relief!!

The second morning I got this email from Shane:

We had a great night. Jill called me in once saying she missed you and then did not call me in after that. She actually slept through the night. During the day Jill mentions that she is fine with you being away and wishes that you where gone for longer. I definitely feel like this has been a great experience for her...

And today I called and talked to her.  She said, "Mommy, don't be offended, but I am having so much fun.  I am sleeping good at night even though you aren't here.  You can go on another trip anytime you want.  I still love you so much, though!"  
Me and Jill's Cheetah...she told me to take her everywhere
with me.

The last two nights she has gone to bed and slept all night long.  

What a relief this is for my poor worn out soul. I am finding that my true self is still inside this body somewhere. I am determined to find her and nurture her back to health. This year has been terribly difficult for me and our family, and I have felt like giving up A LOT of times...I hope that my days of wanting to give up are over.

I also know there is a a very strong possibility that Jill is just going to go right back to waking up at night when I return home...but at least now I know I can get away when I need to, and maybe that will make it easier to tuck her back in at 2am - even when I know she can do it herself. 

But, maybe...just maybe...she will have grown enough during this time to know that she can just keep sleeping all night long...even if I am home.

Thank you, sweet Shane, for making this possible. You are amazing.  I know I have been a difficult person to be around this year, but you have only supported and loved me more because of it. You are such a gift in my life.  

THERE IS ANOTHER POST IN THIS SAGA - 

THE ENDING DOESNT MATTER

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