EMETOPHOBIA, AND WHY OUR FAMILY IS IN CRISIS

Emetophobia - The Fear Of Vomit.  Yes, it is an actual thing.  You can look it up on wikipedia.

What in the world does this have to do with our family?  You will see....

I have dropped off the face of the planet in more ways than one.  I never got around to sharing pictures from our Christmas break trip to Death Valley and we also went away for the week Shane had off in February, but that was a trip through hell so I had no desire to share it anyway. (Although now that I am ready to talk about it, I will most likely write a post on it.)

I have not been able to walk with friends, go hiking, talk much on the phone,  school or keyboard with the girls, do yoga, play cribbage with Shane….I cant even go on a bike ride or go shopping by myself.  Life for the Johnston family has taken a dramatic turn in a scary and unfamiliar direction.  It started slowly, slowly, oh so slowly…..and then exploded in our faces in a way that I never would have imagined was possible.

Jillbug, our sweet, outgoing, energetic, loving, cuddly AWESOME Jillbug started experiencing anxiety.  It crept in really slowly.  I noticed back in November some of her behavior was a little different.  She was REALLY clingy with me.  She still loved going to school and her other outside activities which accounted for about 12-15 hours a week (her school classes, piano, outdoor school, time with my parents, a homeschooling play center…) but when she was home she was at my side all the time.  Not in an insecure kind of way, but in a “Mommy, I just cannot get enough of you, you are the most fantastic person in the world!” kind of way.

I have always been of the mind that while my children think I am so wonderful I am going to enjoy it, so I embraced her as my new appendage.  She had never gone through any type of separation anxiety.  Even at a young age she would run off alone without a care in the world about where I was.  She was 4 when she went to nature camp with Alli for 4 hours a day with other children ages 5 - 12.  I had to get special permission for her to attend cuz she wasnt even old enough.  If she needed to be near me right now, even though she is 7,  then I was going to be there for her.

Then she started complaining about tummy aches, all the time.  It was affecting her sleep and our sleep.  Then she started waking Alli up and we had to do something.  For the first time since she was 2, she had to sleep in her own room.  Then the fear of throwing up began.  This has been a fear of hers for a while now, but never an all day, all consuming fear.  I had to pick her up from her extra curricular classes one day because she was panicking that she was going to throw up during her class.  Since then, I have had to sit at CORE for the 3 hours they have class so that I can reassure her that she will not throw up whenever the fear gets a grip on her (It is most strong at mealtimes, bedtime and in the middle of the night.)  She is completely and totally afraid of her body and all the feelings that come along with it.  She thinks every feeling is a pre-curser to throwing up.

She had thrown up outside of Winco after eating a bunch of fruit about 2 years ago.  Now, she was afraid to go into any store because it might make her throw up.  She was afraid to eat fruit in case it made her throw up.  She didnt want to be outside if it was sunny, cuz it was sunny the day she threw up.  Why did this start up 2 years later?  I do not know, but it is happening and we have been dealing with it as best we can.

The first real scare was a day she had a panic attack when I left on a bike ride.  The weekend before she had gone to Lassen all day with Alli and Shane.  The day before she had stayed with my parents for 3 hours while I ran errands.  This particular day, I was getting on my bike to go on a 20 minute bike ride and she was staying home with Alli and Shane.

She screamed the entire 25 minutes I was gone that she was scared she would throw up.

 Now, I knew that this was beyond just normal angry, clingy or scared behavior.  I knew this fear had quite a strong grip on her and I called a homeopath to start working with Jill and her tummy aches, fear of throwing up and the separation anxiety. I also called a therapist who does play therapy with children and got her an appointment one week later.  I am not messing around with my children and their needs.  If something can be done, I want to do it.  It was in mid February we started homeopathy and in mid March we started the play therapy.

Now, for the last 4 weeks,  I try to go on a 15 minute bike ride every day, while Jill stays with Shane.  We set the timer on the microwave and on my phone to 15 minutes and then I leave.  This is my only time to myself right now. 15 whole minutes....

The first 3 times, she had a panic attack, screaming and chasing me down the street.   She was convinced she would throw up because it was sunny and she was being left with Shane and I was going on a bike ride.  All three things had happened on the day she threw up in front of Winco.    It was the only time I rode off in that direction cuz she was running straight towards East Ave, one of the busiest streets in town.  She was gonna run til she got me, regardless of the tons of cars speeding by.  Shane could not even catch her when she would run after me.  He had to threaten her that he would call the cops if she didnt stop running. 

After this, we realized he had to hold her as I left on my bike and pull her off of me and my bike she would spend the 15 minutes kicking and hitting Shane to get away.  

Yes, friends, I am talking about the same exact Jillbug you all know and love as the goofy, loving, kind, and funny kid she has always been.  Except now, in the recent 4 - 6 weeks, she is the kid who is throwing a 2 hour tantrum screaming at us, kicking our dishwasher, throwing things at our door if we lock ourselves in our rooms so we can ignore her behavior.  She stands at the door screaming, "I AM A HORRIBLE KID, I AM RUINING EVERYONE'S LIVES"  This one ripped my heart to shreds.  Where does she even learn words like this? Where has my baby girl gone?  Will I ever get her back?  What in the world is causing her so much anger and turmoil and hardship?  

A few weeks back we went on a day trip to Grass Valley.  We thought that getting away would be good for us and Jill and Alli could watch some videos in the car, we could go out to dinner, etc. The car ride consisted of her complaining that her tummy hurt and that she was afraid she would throw up.  Then at dinner she had a full blown panic attack sitting at the table screaming for all to hear, "Mommy, I'm gonna throw up, I know I am I just know I am, we have to leave"  Luckily, I had rescue remedy and gave her one which instantly calmed her down.  She proceeded to eat all her food and Shane and I vowed that we were going out to eat once a week even though we cant really afford it.  She cannot let this fear have control of her. (update - we have gone out 6 times since then and she has never had another panic attack)

Now, understand,  it is the end of March right now and this has been going on in varying degrees since the end of November.  There is so much backstory to this nightmare we are living right now and I cannot even begin to condense it into a concise story in one blog post.  Instead, I will be updating the blog with what we have been going through, where we are now, and where we are heading next.  For now, I just wanted to share with friends and family that we are in desperate need of prayers and love and support for all of us.  

This is hard for Jill, obviously.  A panic attack, anxiety or phobia in an adult is terrifying, I cannot imagine how it feels to a 7 year old. This is also incredibly difficult for Alli and Shane.  Things have improved, but for a while Jill would not even go play with Alli at a park.  She would just sit next to me and say she didnt want to play. Then there is Shane.  Jill will not stay with him while I run to the store, she wont go with him to the library, she wont accept any comfort from him at night.  

At the height of this (in February) Jill would not even go to my parents house AT ALL!  She refused to go without me.  (They live behind us - she would not walk to the gate and go see them unless I went)  Now, she will go over without me, but only if I promise that I am not leaving the house while she is gone.

The girls used to go to my sister's for hours, to play with their cousins, help their Auntie clean, and just have fun.  She wont go over there anymore either.

And then there is me.  This has been the most difficult thing I have been through as a mom.  It is harder than the sleepless nights of a newborn, it is harder than the tantrums of a 3 year old and it is harder than what I went through when Alli needed Vision Therapy. When this first began, I was scared out of my wits.  It seemed as if Jill was really losing her mind.   I was afraid, terrified, felt sick all the time.  Had I caused this?  Would it ever get better?  Would she just get worse and worse as she got older?  Would we ever be able to do all the things we love to do ever again?

Things have improved enough that I do not feel such deep and dark fear or depression.  But it has been one of the darkest times in my life.   I am doing my best to survive this uncharted territory while making sure Jill knows that she is loved DEEPLY and STRONGLY and UNCONDITIONALLY even when she is throwing a tantrum like an 18 month old. 

But none of this is easy.  Being sleep deprived, listening to my child ask 25 times a day if she is going to throw up, seeing her afraid to stay with anyone else but me....it has been difficult....and I am sure it will continue to be difficult but there are good days (moments) interspersed with the bad (terrible) days.  

The balance almost seems to be tipping toward more good times than bad, but we are just starting on this journey.  It was just Monday that her play therapist told me that Jill possibly shows mild signs of this phobia - emetophobia.  We take baby steps forward and endure giant steps back, but I can see and believe in the forward motion eventually happening now, and that is a relief.

And as always I appreciate any emails, texts, and phone calls...although just know that I cant talk about this with the girls around.  Friends, you are more than welcome to drop by, but just know that at any time she may be in the midst of an hour long tantrum.  

And I would also like to ask that Jill just be treated as you have always treated her.  She is 7 years old and all she needs is love and love and love.  She doesnt know that this "thing" that has taken over her life has a name and I would like to keep it that way for now.  

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. 

Click here for PART 2 - The Darkest Hour is Just Before Dawn